by Ian Brady

Created on: June 10, 2008

"Should cell phones be banned in restuarants?"

What a silly, silly question to pose the intelligent readers of Helium! Of course cell phones should be banned from restaurants there is no question about it- and I actually think people should go through metal detectors and be thoroughly searched before entering an eatery of any description. Imagine people actually communicating with each other as I sip on my mug of coffee or glass of prune juice. Nervous mother's checking in with baby sitters, caring youngsters taking precious time out of their day to telephone their lonely grandparents, how inconsiderate can a person be? Newspapers and magazines of any sort should also be completely banned -as the incessant wrinkling as people read them drives me nuts, how dare they try to read whilst I am attempting to enjoy my delicious patty melt with extra onions with a side of cottage cheese?

But the worst culprit without any question are families- particularly the ones containing two or three children under the age of five. All their aggravating laughing and infuriating playfulness makes me want to scream out loud and pull what is left of my hair out. In fact laughing and merriment of any degreed should be banned with heavy fines or even imprionment resulting in an infraction. Whilst I am on the topic of people daring to enjoy life. All public displays of intense happiness should be made unlawful- it only makes us miserable sorts feel even more utterly and hopelessly depressed and generate constant thoughts of creative ways we, I mean they, could kill themselves.

And whilst we are at it how about those folks, typically seniors, who are losing their hearing and as a result are always shouting out to each other and to the restaurant staff? They have no business being inside a restaurant in my honest opinion. Same should be said for anyone with a bit of a cough- ban them that is what I say! In fact anyone considering entering a restaurant should take an oath of silence before entering the premises. Ordering should be done without making a sound by filling out a card and, silently, handing it to the server. There should be hand signals that people to use to let the server know they want more coffee, would like to see the dessert offerings, or that you want to pay your bill.

And what about service dogs? Please- don't get me started on that...Restaurants should be like libraries. Silence is golden don't you know.

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