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dress or behave according to his wishes
Seem to try to make you cry
Slap, hit, punch, or bite you
Throw objects at you
Threaten you with any kind of weapon
Beat, cut or shoot you

Take a few minutes. Cry. It's OK if you have just realized that you are in fear and unhappy, even if that is all you can put your finger on.

Think about the start of your relationship. Have things gotten more violent over time? Have you noticed fewer and fewer times that you feel loved? Safe? Has the tenderness disappeared?

Do understand that violence runs in cycles and if you are injured by this person, have blow ups, no matter how mildly you may describe them, and then s/he comes to you, sorry and contrite, asking forgiveness, that this is typical of domestic abuse.

The cycle is one that may be short or have months between any real explosion, but most victims say the same thing. The violence is followed by a "honeymoon" stage, where you are promised all kinds of things and he genuinely seems sorry. This gives you hope, but it is not usually long before things begin to go south again, building up slowly or even as soon as hours later, to another incident, another verbal barrage of insults or maybe even more bruises, an ER visit... worse.

If you are being honest with yourself, if you are taking some time to really think about these things, AND you are still reading, know this: IT IS NOT YOU. OK? You will need to hear that a million times before it sinks in, I'm sure, but it's true.

If you see yourself here, you are likely not just ready to walk out the door, and this venue is a bit cramped to give details on leaving a violent relationship, but the first step is to hear your own story from someone else, to find that you are not alone or even horribly unique. Other women (and certainly some men) have a story similar to yours.

You may be wondering what it is about you that seems to bring this out in your partner. Nothing. S/he will tell you it's your fault, but that's just a child blaming others for his own behavior. You may think you are managing things, that if you behave this way or that way you can keep him or her calm. Please, wake up. Working with women just like you I have found that abusers go through this cycle ALL ALONE. If you leave tomorrow he will still blow up at someone, blame someone, likely hurt some one as well, but it doesn't have to be you.

And if you are wondering WHY he does these things... it doesn't matter. Your job now is not to figure out his particular pathology, but to

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