by N. D. Guerre

Created on: June 10, 2008

If you are reading this, asking yourself "Am I? Could I really be... 'abused'?" the chances are good that you are. But the real story lies in the definition, and as they say, "The devil is in the details".

Abuse is generally defined as using an object or person for a purpose other than intended. I'll go an inch further and say it is any treatment of you that is counter to your well being, that does not have your best interests in mind, that is not a positive affirmation of life.

Here are some fairly simple questions to ask yourself:

In the presence of my partner, do I feel...

Self conscious
Uncomfortable
Manipulated
That I am doing something wrong
That s/he may not approve of me
Like a loser, a failure or "bad"
Even the slightest dread
Fear

If you can honestly answer "No" to ALL of them, then maybe this is not a question you need explore. But then you are still reading, aren't you? You may want to continue. If you have answered "Yes" to even one, please keep an open mind and we'll move on.

Not all abuse is physical, leaving bruises and scars, so let's begin with the small stuff. I say that sarcastically as I don't believe for a moment that ANY of it is "small".

Does your partner do any of the following:

Discount your feelings
Disregard your opinions
Disrespect your decisions
Keep tabs on your activities
Keep track of your spending and/or mileage to the
extreme
Restrict your time, money or movements
Belittle you in private or public
Insult you
Call you names
Withhold affection, sex or tenderness
Yell and swear at you
Give orders
Ignore your wishes
Try to coerce you into sex
Insult your family and friends
Make you feel guilty
Humiliate you
Insult your body
Take away or destroy your belongings
Mistreat your pets or children
Show disregard for your feelings in any way
Threaten harm to himself or herself if you try to leave
or do anything contrary to their wishes

Now, none of these things alone are unheard of, even in healthy relationships, but just how many are present in yours? There is no magic number to watch out for, but examine each one closely for trouble. Even one could be enough to make your life a miserable place to be.

The physical abuses are more easy to spot, but let's list a few anyway. Does your partner:

Restrain you
Prevent you from leaving a room, the house
Keep you from friends or family
Prevent you from working
Deny you food, medical care or the basic necessities
Force you to submit physically or sexually to
activity you do not approve of
Shove you
Pinch you
Tickle you to excess
Insist you

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