by Mandi M.

Created on: June 10, 2008   Last Updated: November 09, 2008

I was just about to go up the steps to my apartment when out of the corner of my eye a scurrying object caught my attention. There by the steps sat a black squirrel. But not just any old squirrel, a shirtless black squirrel. Seriously, shirtless. All of his fur appeared to have fallen out from the waist up leaving him wearing only puffy black pantaloons.

I moved cautiously towards the stairs not wanting to frighten this sad looking creature. But instead of retreating to the safety of the nearby tree, he went up the steps ahead of me, effectively blocking my entrance. He stood up on his feet and raised his little paws menacingly in a boxer's stance.

Now at that time I was not living in the greatest of areas. And I started to wonder if this squirrel had been into crack. He certainly looked like a squirrel version of the man who lived on the bus bench down the street. They were both topless and erratic. At this point I'm starting to feel a little foolish that my way is being blocked by a kung fu wannabe squirrel. I quietly try to shoo him. He's not budging. I try to remember what I know about rabies. He's not foaming at the mouth, and doesn't really seem to fit the rabies description. I run stomp towards him waving my arms and telling him to get lost. He just takes a step closer.

I switch into the sweet voice. You know, the one you use when you talk to babies, puppies and kittens. "Hey little fella..." He takes a small skitter towards me, bobbing and weaving with his fists up. He's not backing down. Apparently I have something he wants and he's not leaving until he gets it.

I then realize that people are walking down the sidewalk watching the crazy girl who is trying to reason with a squirrel. It's really embarrassing. But they don't know what I'm up against. This squirrel means business. So I did the only thing I could do.... I went for a walk around the block to kill time until he left.

You may think I'm a coward. But these are crazy times we live in. You can never be too safe. There's no sense arguing with someone who's mentally unstable. And the same goes for squirrels.

I would see the crack head squirrel from time to time after that. I could hear his snickering laugh coming from the tree tops. At times I would see him and his bare chest coming towards me. I would shout, "Not today squirrel! I don't have time for this. I've got a broom inside the door. Trust me, it's not worth it!"

He seemed to believe my bluff and has kept his distance since. Perhaps his plan all along was simply to make me look crazy in front of all the neighbors. If that is the case, he surely succeeded.

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