by Clay Reeves

Created on: June 09, 2008

Let me step out on a limb and go on record by saying, without hesitation or remorse: Men should not be allowed to do the grocery shopping. We are physically, emotionally, and spiritually ill-equipped to handle such an awesome responsibility. I reached this conclusion some time back when my wife was recovering from an operation, and I was drafted into shopping service by necessity. I tried to beg my way out of it, offering to drive her to the store and volunteering to push the cart while she made the tough decisions, but she was more stubborn than I was! So...off I went, grocery list in hand and heart in my throat, absolutely certain that I was about to meet with disaster!

I was right...

As I entered the section where fruits and vegetables were located, I knew immediately that I was in trouble. My wife's list said: "5 bananas, green but not too green." I spent 20 minutes comparing colors until I found an appropriate shade of green, only to discover that the bunch that I'd chosen had 7 bananas, not 5. Not knowing what the protocol was, I asked a teenaged store employee what to do. He responded, with a sneer: "Can't help you, dude! On my break!" With that bit of wisdom, he left me with no choice: I pulled out my cell phone and called my wife! I'm not stupid! I was going straight to the boss!

When she answered, I asked her what to do, and there was a long pause on the other end, before she replied: "Pull two bananas off...dear!" Well, I'd thought of that, but I didn't want to be caught vandalizing bananas without proper authority. Before I could hang up, she went on: "Oh...and when you get to the cantaloupes, you have to test them first!" Puzzled, I asked: "Test them? How?" With a slight strain in her voice, my darling said: "You scratch the end where the stem was and smell it for sweetness and freshness!" Even more clueless, I ventured: "You want me to scratch a cantaloupe?!?" She responded, with a growl: "Yes! We don't want unsweet cantaloupes that aren't fresh! Gosh, Clay!"

That's how my shopping trip began, and it went downhill from there! I had to call her 3 times between the produce section and the dairy aisle! What's the difference between all the various kinds of salads? What kind of fruit cups do you want? Do you want your orange juice with or without pulp?

Each phone call left her in a surlier mood, and the answers to my questions came with more and nastier sarcasms: "How long have you lived in this house?" (I wasn't sure if that was a trick question or not,

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