The very question "Why do women stay with abusive partners?" is one that makes my face turn hot, the hair stand up on the back of my neck and if you look closely, you will see that my right hand is curling, the beginnings of a fist. That's right... violence only brings on more of the same.
NOTE: Forgive me if, for the purposes of this discussion, I refer to those being abused as "she" and the abuser as "he". It is only for simplicity's sake and not because I don't recognize that women are violent or that men are victims.
I worked with battered women, children from homes permeated with violence, survivors of sexual violence, and occasionally with the perpetrators themselves. They were women who came in to the safe house that employed me, women in outreach support groups, young women dating violent young men and more. I met kids on Career Day, lecturing in schools and presenting dating relationship curricula. I occasionally "met" abusers as they screamed through my office door or banged on my window, trying to make an impression upon a partner even as she reached out for help.
No matter where I found myself talking of this subject, this question more than any other was the first one asked, but also the easiest to answer.
Everyone knows the easy ones, she can't afford to leave, she stays for her children, she loves him. Those are the reasons that women stay with perfectly passive men as well. They are often the reasons men stay with women they no longer love. These reasons apply to all of us who "stay".
So what particular problems does an abused woman have that the rest of us don't?
Denial, and minimization. First of all, her situation is not usually public. Her treatment at the hands of her tormentor is embarrassing and she hides it. Splitting with him for that reason is a new admission, to us and to herself. It is also a life that she will minimize over time, that she begins to see as normal. It isn't that she isn't afraid, but in order to function she has to stuff that fear down, FAR down. She has kids to feed, a job to do and there isn't a lot of time for self reflection. Humans adapt incredibly easily and even the worst can feel familiar after long enough.
Hope. The guy is not always a jerk, you know. He will do a few things right and because he has come through for her a time or two she has every reason to think he might again some day. She hopes he will. The problem with that is intermittent reinforcement.
If you expected to get a dime every time you touched your nose, the first time it didn't happen you might just stop that behavior. BUT, if you only got a dime every now and then, once in a while, you would continue it far longer, hoping for that occasional reward. It's proved. It's what keeps the gambler at the black jack table.
Fear. A very real reason, one not so hard to understand. If she has left before, been found, dragged home by her hair a few times, this becomes even more real for her. If she has children, she is afraid for them too and usually finds that staying is easier. If he finds her, if he is especially violent, leaving is dangerous, even more so than staying. We know for a fact that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is the moment he is sure she is lost to him. This is when he has nothing left to lose and when she could lose everything. If she knows this, she is aware of the reality that she is now in more danger than ever before.
Powerlessness. Face it, she has lost to him so many times that she does not believe it is even possible to leave. Rarely do people get this one, but it's more common than you might think. If she is pushed down hard and often, all begins to seem impossible. He begins to take on the persona of the God... the man who can control her no matter what.
Fatigue. Have you ever tried to raise two kids, hold a job, fend off physical and verbal attacks almost daily and also plan an effective escape? Enough said.
Societal expectations. When a relationship ends, who is responsible? Both of them, you say. Well, look around then and ask "who gets blamed"? My experience is that women are held accountable not only for men and their behavior ("She brought that rape on herself! Did you see the way she dresses?"), but for the failure of interpersonal relationships as well. We just naturally assume that she isn't doing what women are supposed to do: bring people together. Being seen as a failure hurts.
Insufficient support. A crisis is only a crisis when a problem is not met with the means to cope with it. She is busy coping elsewhere and there is a shortage of money, of time, of friends who still have patience for her, of people to tell her "You can do this", of help with children, muscle to get her moved out and just plain belief in her.
Low self worth. Now, I do want to say here that not all who are abused have "low self-esteem". I'm sorry but that's a myth, however, in the case where a person does not believe they can survive on their own (for other than monetary reasons), that's what's at work here. She may have been brainwashed into thinking that she is unattractive, stupid and a failure. If she believes that, it serves the abuser's purpose beautifully, putting a little rust on the lock that keeps her close to him. If she has failed in a past attempt, it may also keep her from trying again. And when others don't believe she can do it because she hasn't yet, she may believe they are right.
Delusion of control. If she is told enough "YOU make me do this to you!" and if she believes it, then she may also hold out thinking that she can change the situation, that she can change him. All she needs is enough time, right? She is hanging around trying to effect that magical combination that will keep him calm and so her safe as well. If she buys into the blame it only makes sense that she will believe she can stop it. This also affords her a feeling of safety. If she thinks she has even a little control, it makes her situation just a bit better, the danger just a little less.
Guilt. He may threaten to harm himself if she leaves. Feeling responsible is a woman's JOB. We are conditioned not to hurt other people and to accommodate men. So, she may stay feeling that she HAS to, that if she leaves her children will be orphans and her partner can't live without her, that if he harms himself, her family, or her children, it's her fault.
Faith. Her religion may tell her it's wrong. She may be getting well intended but dangerous advice from church groups, a Pastor or friends who have misinterpreted the Bible or other religious instruction and believe that to split her home is to defy God. She needs to understand that divorce is not the issue, being SAFE today is the issue, and seeing tomorrow.
I'm sure to be missing many here and I am not an abused woman so I can't use my own personal feelings. Often individual women have very individual problems and issues and there are as many reasons, and good ones, to stay as there are people who are in these heartbreaking relationships.
But can you tell me what's wrong with all that I have said, with all of the above "reasons"?
What's wrong is the question. The question we should be asking, the one I never hear, the one I would like to have the answer to is...
"Why does someone who professes to love her want to hurt her in the first place"?
Answer that and maybe I can unclench my fist.