by N. D. Guerre

Created on: June 09, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

The very question "Why do women stay with abusive partners?" is one that makes my face turn hot, the hair stand up on the back of my neck and if you look closely, you will see that my right hand is curling, the beginnings of a fist. That's right... violence only brings on more of the same.

NOTE: Forgive me if, for the purposes of this discussion, I refer to those being abused as "she" and the abuser as "he". It is only for simplicity's sake and not because I don't recognize that women are violent or that men are victims.

I worked with battered women, children from homes permeated with violence, survivors of sexual violence, and occasionally with the perpetrators themselves. They were women who came in to the safe house that employed me, women in outreach support groups, young women dating violent young men and more. I met kids on Career Day, lecturing in schools and presenting dating relationship curricula. I occasionally "met" abusers as they screamed through my office door or banged on my window, trying to make an impression upon a partner even as she reached out for help.

No matter where I found myself talking of this subject, this question more than any other was the first one asked, but also the easiest to answer.

Everyone knows the easy ones, she can't afford to leave, she stays for her children, she loves him. Those are the reasons that women stay with perfectly passive men as well. They are often the reasons men stay with women they no longer love. These reasons apply to all of us who "stay".

So what particular problems does an abused woman have that the rest of us don't?

Denial, and minimization. First of all, her situation is not usually public. Her treatment at the hands of her tormentor is embarrassing and she hides it. Splitting with him for that reason is a new admission, to us and to herself. It is also a life that she will minimize over time, that she begins to see as normal. It isn't that she isn't afraid, but in order to function she has to stuff that fear down, FAR down. She has kids to feed, a job to do and there isn't a lot of time for self reflection. Humans adapt incredibly easily and even the worst can feel familiar after long enough.

Hope. The guy is not always a jerk, you know. He will do a few things right and because he has come through for her a time or two she has every reason to think he might again some day. She hopes he will. The problem with that is intermittent reinforcement.

If you expected to get a dime every time you touched your

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