by Heidi Delane

Created on: June 09, 2008

So you'd like to be the proud owner of the newest and most easily accessible weightloss aide of the 21st century? Belly up to the stress bar US Citizen, we've got strategery to deploy! I mean strategy to employ!

Obviously, the first item on your checklist to ulcer land and probably looser fitting pants, is to turn on the television! Fox news or CNN would be preferable, and crank up the volume. You'll want to be certain that you heard correctly the theory that allowing men to use the ladies room is not endangering your teenaged daughters, or that round 4 in Iraq for Lt. Smith was no more difficult on the soldier and his family than rounds 1, 2, or 3....Now on to the political debate...Oh, the pain....let's skip ahead.

Now pour yourself a double scotch and sit back (avoid that one position that makes you feel like you are sitting directly on your large intestine, that's just your Irritable Bowel Syndrome reacting to the Valium your shrink prescribed for the new "Citizen's Anxiety Disorder" inexplicably on the rise since 2001) relax, and enjoy some excerpts of our esteemed government leaders making sound judgment and solid fact based decisions regarding your well being and the elusive location of weapons of mass destruction. No worries, we are in excellent hands.

Now that you are a bit loopy and happy, feel free to open up Quick books and enter the $53.00 gas bill, the $7.97 for coffee for you and your boss, and $1.44 for the can of beans you ate for lunch today in your car while reading the Millionaire Next Door in the mall parking lot. Since you have an appointment with the shop owner in the mall, you need to stay in the vicinity in order to make minimum wage in your sales job after factoring out the gas and loss of sales due the the wringing of hands the economy has caused among business owners, large and small. Besides, you work a weekend job at the mall, a far cry from your executive salary a year ago, and they have your $87.00 check and a $5.00 coupon for you at Quiznos down the street. If you walk there, you could save another $1.01 in gas.

But I digress. In order to expedite your sought after ulcer, you will want to stop sleeping altogether. I recommend standing over your child's bed, staring into space while adding up how many pints of blood you would need to sell in order to recoup the lost money from the 401k account that was to be, in part, their college education fund.

So let's recap, you should have in your system by now the following:
- a double scotch
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