by Angie Pollock

Created on: June 09, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Deployment. We know it can happen. We live with the fear that the orders will come. This is the life we live. We are military spouses.

There are no words that can comfort me when I see him put on his combat boots and place his dog tags around his neck. After he received those first orders, my mind was consumed with the unknown. He was leaving to do a job that he trained years for and I was left behind without any clue of what the year would bring.

The second deployment is different because I do know what to expect. I've done this before so I know that physically, I can handle it. Even mentally, I can handle being responsible for everything here at home. But emotionally, I know I will be a wreck. I know how my heart and soul is going to feel after we part. It doesn't get easier the second time around.

"What you don't know can't hurt you" stands true for me. The problem is, I do know and it does hurts. It is an ache in your gut that churns and makes you physically and mentally sick. The days before the deployment are spent preparing finances and documents and going over the household details. The only part I have prepared myself for are the envelopes. One will contain his Power of Attorney and one will have his Will. Then there will be the four small envelopes, one for each of his children and one for me. No words will need to be spoken when I put them all away in a drawer and pray that I will never need to open any of them.

I have been married to my husband and the military for twenty years. I have spent many nights alone over these years. It's not the loneliness I fear. It's the unspoken question that military wives are afraid to even whisper out loud. Will he come back home to me?

I know what I will do and how I will feel during his deployment. I will sleep on his pillow and wear his shirts. I will open his after shave just so I don't forget how he smells. The television will be on the news constantly unless the children are home. Every time a love song plays on the radio, I will break down in tears. Every tree will be decorated with yellow ribbons and the American Flag will fly everyday in our yard. I will jump every time the telephone rings and hesitate when someone knocks on the door.

When the neighbors ask about him, I will put on my cheerful face and tell them that he is doing great and I will hold no regrets when I'm asked foolish questions. Whenever I'm in line at the post office and someone speaks badly of the military, I will show restraint and not lower myself to their level of ignorance. And I will know all of the postal workers by first name because I will be in there several times a week to mail care packages.

There will be many days filled with unhappiness and solitude which turn into anger and resentment. The emotions can be overwhelming and I will reach for him at night only to feel the empty space on the other side of the bed.

We have an overwhelming appreciation for those who answer the call to protect our country and preserve our freedoms. Our pride can be seen from the yellow ribbons wrapped around the trees to Old Glory waving proudly in the yard. We are strong for our children and the outside world and we never show our weaknesses except at night. Lying alone in the dark in a cold bed, that is when our strength fails us and the tears come rushing out. Everyday this is how we feel, a combination of emotions. We get through each day just one moment at a time.

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