by Jana Walters

Created on: June 09, 2008

Recommencement

The nauseating feelings didn't kick in until the night before. All of a sudden, the realization that I was avoiding all summer engulfed me and sent me reeling down memory lane. Meaningless images flashed through my mind, recollecting scraps of dreams that have yet to come true. Simultaneously, trepidation and anticipation clawed my insides. It shocked me that I loved this familiar pain. It was excruciating, yet I could only feel the euphoric pleasure it brought me. The core of my existence is change; unfamiliarity comforts me. I have a theory that everything happens for a reason. My lesson was mere hours away, so I waited with expectation.

I didn't turn around as the car, my last tie to home, sped off into the throng of vehicles. By then, the ecstasy was nonexistent. My first shaky footsteps onto the pavement were loud and foreign, like they didn't belong. Looking around, faces swam before me and pulled me into a daze. I walked toward the picturesque building taking deep breaths, head held high. Confidence is the key. I knew I could write a book on how to survive these situations; I had so much experience that in a sense, I wasn't even afraid. My plan was to let things unfold as they should, and not to constantly dwell on every negative detail. Fear loosened its hold on me; excitement filled my heart. I was determined to make the best of it.
The first three periods disappeared, and lunch rolled around. This was the hour I dreaded most. Sixty minutes filled with anxiety, loneliness, agitation, worry, paranoia, and a longing to be somewhere, anywhere, else. I sought out a shady spot and settled there, praying no-one noticed. Half of my brain wished that someone did see me and came over to converse with me. I hated myself at that moment for being so shy. I am incredibly outgoing by nature, but when faced with immense discomfort, I freeze. I was surprised that the flowing adrenaline and my somersaulting insides did not shatter my stoic appearance. Time made no sense to me; whether it flew or crawled by was a mystery. A shadow interrupted the endless concerns in my head. From somewhere distant, I heard a voice. I traced the words back to the intruder; she seemed to be asking me questions. I comprehended them slower than usual, but I understood she was amiable. I felt like an animal in the wild, cautious of everything, sniffing out the unknown, making sure it's safe. Our discussion came to a brief halt when we were joined by another. I found out they were both freshmen; I was a sophomore. Nevertheless, they were people, and we were talking. Maybe I could meet them again tomorrow? I wasn't exactly paying attention to the conversation, just hoping that they could be my new friends. Friendsthat was all I cared about.
Finally, the bell pierced the overwhelming chatter of the scene. We ended on a good note, promising to meet again tomorrow. Leaving the courtyard, relief exploded within me as I tried to stay alive between the milling students. It's hard to explain the feeling when all your pessimistic and depressing thoughts vanish and you are filled with hope and a sensation of airiness. I smiled a little, knowing I wasn't going to be a "loner" anymore. It didn't matter to me whether I was accepted by everyone. Just a few would be enough; it would be plenty. Subtly bouncing with elation, I breezed by the rest of the day. Indeed, it felt like an invisible wind had picked up and carried me. Confidence is the key. I found mine through two strangers. It was more than I had hoped for.

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