by Alicia Thomason

Created on: June 08, 2008

There is power in the truth, and there is power in the lie. Liars lie. Pathological liars lie all the time.

Why do people lie? To manipulate, to control, or to deceive. Liars believe the deception empowers them in some way or gives them an unfair advantage over the victim. This advantage may be material, physical, sexual, power, status, prestige, and so on. Liars have an agenda; they lie for a reason.

Having been in a 3-year relationship with pathalogical liar ... a man I trusted and believed in implicitly with all my heart, I have subsequently determined there is no magic formula to determine if someone is a liar. He looked me right in the eyes as he lied. I used to joke that I was from Missouri, the "show me" state, implying that people had to prove things to me. But this man was always calm, cool, and collected. He had immediate responses to any of my questions. He seemed very honest and legitimate. He was not shifty-eyed and did not exhibit any of the tendencies or behaviors I would attribute to a liar. However, toward the end of our relationsip, I determined that nearly everything he told me except "name, rank, and serial number" was a lie. Oh, at the very last he did say, "I'm a liar" and "I'm a piece of s _ _ _ ." That was the truth.

He was a sociopath, and sociopaths are pathological liars. Particularly sociopaths want power, control, money, and sex. They always have a plan in mind, an agenda, something they can "get" from you. They may initially even be extremely generous with the intention that you will reciproate their perceived generosity. Unbeknownst to me, he told some friends in the beginning of our relationship "I don't love her, it's all about the money". Hence, he had an agenda to deceive me, gain my trust, dream together, and get me to invest with him.

There is no magic formula to determine if someone is telling you the truth, despite what articles may tell you. Our natural tendency as humans is to want to believe and trust in people. It is good to have a natural skepticism and to watch for red flags. But con men con...it is their job, it's what they do, and they are very good at it. They are professionals. I particularly believe people who are nurturers, who are kind and loving, are more susceptible to liars. The optimists want to believe.

Con men may want to swindle you out of your money, your possessions, live with you for free, have you pay their medical expenses, car payments, vacations, jewelry, etc. The list is unlimited. A very good liar or con man can be extremely charming, convincing, and conniving. Most people have good hearts and like to help people who are down and out. Con men and liars take advantage of one's trusting instincts.

If they have healthy relationships with family and friends that can validate information, that is good. If the person seems to be steady in their job and residence, that is also good. If there are people who have negative reactions to the person, or there is a history of broken relationships, this is a sign of trouble.

Since the termination of this relationship, I have a lot of trust issues. This man was not only my lover, but (I thought) my best friend. The betrayal of trust runs very deep, simultaneously like a stab through the heart and in the back. There is great personal devastation as a consequence of this betrayal.

My best advice regarding determining if a person is a liar would be to listen to any hestiation in your heart, and listen to your instincts. Verify, verify, verify. If someone seems "too good to be true", they probably are.

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