by Teri Brooks

Created on: June 07, 2008

Got "no play" cause your profile stinks

Are you like most men? Are you tired of dating the old fashion way? Well listen up all you lonely-heart club losers, you don't need to spend your nights cuddling up with Fido any longer. For only $39.99 a month you can find the girl of your wet dreams! What a deal. Call now to set up your online profile for the guaranteed hottest game in town. Order now and we will throw in the "Hefty, wefty, wubber spatula" for free! (NOT INTENDED FOR USE OVER HEAT TEMPERATURES OF 100 DEGREES OR MORE. OH, AND NOT INTENDED FOR WEAPON USAGE EITHER.)

Congratulations! You've just taken the first step here in the search of your soul mate. Now go get em Tiger! Rawr!

Two months later...

You're not getting any play; you want your money back. What? They won't give you your dough back? But they promised smokin hot sizzling senoritas! RUDE! Okay, let me see if I can be of some assistance here...hmm, well here's your problem buddy, your profile BITES ASS!

The success of your online dating is partly dependent upon your ability to capture the interest and imagination of others through the words that you write. In other words, you aint-a-gettin no action because you spell like a third grader on Ritalin. If you do suffer from Attention-Deficit Disorder then let's try not to advertise this. Some things you should keep a secret for at least three or four months, or until she decides that she can't live without your gooey-licious omelets thanks to the "Hefty, wefty, wubber spatula".

Yes, spelling does count. No gold star for you! And the "things" you state about yourself are rather important as well. So, you say that you like to fish, camp, burn a burger on the grill and take long walks in the sunset, hmm. Can I just say B-O-R-I-N-G? Okay, you are a bore! Stop boring me to death already. Not only are you boring, but you ooze wussiness. You need to be more creative, assertive, driven, interesting. Try to sound pimp-not limp. Get it?

And what the heck is this? A picture of you holding upbait? Oh, I see, its not bait. It's a fish you caught. That's got to be the worlds tiniest fish I ever saw. Proud to catch it were you? Well, I wouldn't brag that up. I know, I know. It's not the size which matters, but I have guppies bigger than this little guy. Oh, now here is an interesting photo, a shiny red Porsche. Oh, I see, it's not yours? Then why in the H*? Never mind, it's impressive nonetheless, I suppose. But giving out false impressions is never a good thing in my opinion. It may work until she meets you and finds out that you pilot a Honda.

What's up with your username and caption?

Latinloverboy4U: "This is why I'm hot!"

Um, okay, first of all, YOU AREN'T LATIN. Secondly, stop bragging that you are hot. To be humble would better serve you. Good Lord, I know that I'm a writer but I've got my work cut out for me, hold on and I shall re-create you. There you go, now, if I didn't know that you are a stinkin idiot I'd date you after reading this! So, shall we try this again? Oh, and by the way, instead of royalties, I get to be the bridegroom at your wedding, and the shoes I shall wear for that one!

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