by Teri Vance

Created on: June 07, 2008

"Ignoramus homo-cocainum fumatoris", scientific name for the species frequently known as the common "Crackhead".

Crackheads are extremely adaptable to any environment, as they can be found almost everywhere, from small rural communities to big cities. The habitat they are most comfortable in, however, are old abandoned buidings in which they sometimes congregate together in a pack. These dens are what are known as "Crack Houses".

The characteristics of the common crackhead are very distinctive. Typically, they will appear almost anorexic. They will more than likely be missing most of their teeth, and quite a few of them will have some type of skin lesions. As you get close to a crackhead, one of the first things you will notice is the scent they generally have. They tend to be an odoriferous array of individuals, as they don't usually wash either the clothes they wear or their own bodies. The contagious disease rate among crackheads is excessively high, so you must take extreme caution when dealing with them in the wild. Crackheads also have a propensity to be extremely unpredictable and dangerous.

If after reading the bit of background on the crackhead species, and you still want to catch one, there are a few questions to ask yourself before you fully commit to the pursuit of capture.

1. What will you do with it once you have captured it?
2. Will you keep it as a pet?
3. Will you set it free to roam again?
4. Should you have it euthanized to put it out of it's misery?
5. Should you donate your capture to the curator of your local zoo-jail to be displayed in the concrete and iron bar cages, so everyone can enjoy it?
6. Do you have the time, money and resources needed to be able to clean it, heal it and cure it?

A crackhead will be tremendously expensive, time consuming, and stressful to keep, but if you still have your heart set on catching one, it's actually very easy, but it can not be stressed enough to proceed with extreme caution.

First of all, you will have to locate the den, AKA "crackhouse". The ideal time for locating the den is late morning through mid-afternoon, as most of the pack will be taking an intermission from their daily cracking activities. There may be a few stragglers that are out at this time of day, but more than likely they will be too strung out to even notice you. Their wanderings will help you pin-point the exact den location. Just sit back and observe until early evening when the rest of the pack will invariably start it's migration. When the pack starts emerging from the den, be very aware of your surroundings, and under no circumstances, ever enter their den. When the crackhead of your choice gets close enough to your vantage point, all you have to do is hold a $10 bill out to them, and you will have caught yourself a genuine, honest to goodness crackhead. Hopefully you made your decision as to what you are going to do with your newly aquired genuine crackhead. Unless you would like to capture the whole pack of crackheads, you should leave the vicinity of the den as quickly as possible, with or without your new genuine crackhead, as the rest of the pack has by now scented the $10 you used as bait to capture the one you already have in your possession.

That's all there is to crackhead catching. Happy hunting!

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