The time to make a plan for dealing with domestic violence is long before it happens. And, one key to this plan is to agree to never, ever call the police.
Before going into the details of this planning we need to make sure that everyone in your household is safe. If you are actually in enough fear that you need to be making plans for escape, don't even wait for such plans to be in place. Get out! If you are living with someone so dangerous the safety of you and your loved ones is a concern there is no time for planning or discussion.
If, however, you simply wish to be prepared in case a heated argument gets out of hand, now is the time to discuss what you and your family will do in such a situation.
The days of Andy Griffith are long gone. No longer do we have peace officers in our neighborhoods available to help us work things out. Today, whenever the police are involved, we are dealing with law-enforcement officers. The primary goal of today's police, and our justice system, is to find someone guilty of breaking a law and to punish them, preferably with prison whenever possible.
This is especially true in domestic disputes. Many jurisdictions today have a policy that whenever a police officer is called for a domestic dispute someone will have to be arrested. Usually the arrested person will be the male partner in such a dispute, regardless of what has transpired.
Even absent such a policy there are numerous instances where the intervention of law enforcement escalates a situation to the point of an arrest. Police officers are usually trained to deal with violence and take action first and foremost to protect themselves from what they consider to be a dangerous situation. And, it is commonly claimed that domestic disputes are some of the most dangerous situations they will face. Police will arrive prepared to deal with violence, which will only increase the tensions of the situation.
Once someone is arrested in a domestic dispute it will be virtually impossible to escape the situation. The partner that is considered abused will be treated as if they are unable to make decisions for themselves in such a matter. Even if they wish to withdraw charges the courts and government attorneys will pursue the case. They will push for a guilty plea and, if the accused is unwilling to plea bargain, they will use all of the tools at their disposal to convict them. Even following an acquittal it is not unusual for local family services to remain involved, disrupting your family and almost certainly resulting in the destruction of your relationship.
If children are involved things only get worse. Invariably your local child protective organization will get involved. While claiming to work to protect the children, these agencies will often remove children from families and place them into a foster system that has a greater level of abusive situations than the rest of society. Even if your children do remain in your home it is unlikely that your family will ever return to any sort of normalcy once these agencies insert themselves into your lives.
The way to avoid these issues is to discuss what would ever happen when a partner is tempted to call the police. Hopefully your family has no history of violence, however, in the heat of passion many of us will do things that we will later regret. Planning for such an event could save your family and your relationships.
First and foremost you must discuss with your partner what should be done if either of you ever feel threatened. Reach an agreement that, rather than involving law enforcement, you can leave at any time one of you feels the situation warrants it. Perhaps such an incident will end your relationship. However, you will drastically increase the chances of being able to work such things out later if you deal with the situation on your own, with friends or through counseling. If criminal charges ever come about the chances of your relationship surviving are very low. And, likely, one partner's life will be virtually destroyed if they're brought into the legal system in such a manner.
As soon as your children are able to take action on their own, work with them to figure out someplace to go if they ever feel threatened. Friends and family should be involved in such a decision and informed of what you expect from them if they are ever called upon to help. Your children should know that they can always leave a situation in which they feel scared of their parents for whatever reason. The people that may be called upon should know that, unless they fear a pattern of repeated abuse, they should not involve any government agencies. That they are being ask to help your children feel safe until everyone has an opportunity to work through the issues at hand.
It may be difficult and awkward to have such a discussion when things are going well. Some may even think that their relationship could be harmed by such a discussion. However, if you and your family can't communicate to this extent, you may wish to consider where your relationship is going. If you fail to have this conversation and problems occur you will not only face the failure of your relationship but could also face an involvement in the criminal justice system that can threaten the lives of your entire family.
For more information on the dangers of involving government agencies in domestic situations please visit www.ejfi.org