by Paulina

Created on: December 28, 2006   Last Updated: May 05, 2007

Adopting a child of any age should be carefully considered: there are more issues than just the child's age or origin to consider. The type of adoption you choose can greatly affect your (and your future child's) lives. I'll state right now that I am biased toward open adoption, being the birthmother of a child in an open adoption situation.

Closed adoption of a newborn, or very young child, is generally preferred by parents who wish to keep the adoption secret. This type of adoption means that the birthparent(s) will not have contact with your child, once you adopt, and they will not know how the child is growing, adjusting and changing over time. This also means that your child will not know who his/her birthparents are, why the birthparents relinquished custody, and will know very little about their genetic identity. This can often lead to internalized anger or confusion, as your child may wonder if he or she was unwanted or unloved by their birthparents. The child will often search for hints of who their birthparents are, looking for people who look like them in photographs, etc.

Some closed adoptions are "semi-closed", which can be better for the child - and you! One of adoptive parents' biggest fears is that their child will search for their "real" parents, and choose them over the adoptive parents. If some information is provided to the child, they won't wonder who their birth family might be - and it will help to curb any rock star/fantastic birthparent fantasies that your child may have. It also helps to have some information exchanged - especially a medical history - in case there are future complications. So many adopted children grow up to have medical issues, and are frustrated with their inability to access medical information from closed records.

Open adoptions often allow you to meet the birthparent(s) before your future child is born (as was my situation). You and the birthparent(s) can decide together, based on the relationship you develop, how comfortable everyone is with contact after the child is born. Generally, you and the birthparents exchange pictures and letters, keeping each other up to date, and preventing any worry about each others' situation. If your child always knows who they look like and where they come from, they won't have as many identity issues as kids in closed adoption situations. They will also feel more secure if they understand how you came to choose them, and how the birthparents came to choose you - this prevents most abandonment-related issues.
(My (birth) son knows he was a surprise, and that his birthparents loved him enough to choose two great parents that were ready and waiting for him.)

If you are open with your child, about the adoption, from one and two years old, your child will not be suddenly robbed of his or her identity later in life. (There are great books for very young children, helping them understand adoption. Making up little songs also helps. Anything to let them know who they are, and that they are loved and chosen.)

There are lots of great books on adoption out there - and I would strongly recommend reading books to help you understand not only your role as the adoptive parents, but the role of the birthparent(s), and the feelings your future child will have about his or her origin.

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