I am fortunate. My wife is a native so I get the poop. No easy breezy Fairmont Princess for me.
PLUM PUDDING ON CHRISTMAS MORN WITH LILY AND KATE
If I want to bathe, for example, I take a real Bermudian bath. Like on every Christmas morning right before cousins Lily and Kate come over for rum shots and plum pudding:
"Hey! You've been in that shower five minutes! This ain't the USA! We pay for water here!"
That's right. Bermuda is a big rock. Any water that you drink or bathe in is rain water which has accumulated in a holding tank on the roof of a house. And if there is a dry spell you must buy water which, like everything else in Bermuda, is expensive because it is heavily taxed by the Crown.
Before you drink water it must be filtered. When in doubt, drink alcohol, or at least something bottled in the USA. The water that sits in the rooftop tank is unprotected. So when birds fly over head and poop, guess where that poop lands? Natives may have built up a tolerance to the poopy water, but tourists will get sick. Then you find yourself on the pot:
"Hey! Don't flush so much! This ain't the USA! Each flush uses 13 gallons of water!"
LIKE SITTING ON THE HEAD OF A PIN
Bermuda is the most desolate place on earth. It is also the most densely populated. Wherever you go, you are surrounded by water. It feels like you are sitting on the head of a pin. Although there are numerous hideaways, in general the island has a developed, almost-urban feel to it.
The weather tends to be humid, all year. The summers are hot, the winters are cool. I go every Christmas. When I leave New York it is below freezing and quite dry. When I arrive it is in the middle 50s and super-damp. The humidity can eat you alive, especially if you are used to the dry, eastern winters. As a result, I spend Christmas shivering.
Twenty dry degrees will often feel better than 60 humid degrees. So bring lots of sweatshirts.
THE FUNGUS
You are allowed to stay two weeks. If you stay any longer you are likely to get The Fungus. The Fungus is a skin condition which affects everyone who lives here. It looks like a fine, red rash. Like the red splotches that people who drink too much sometimes get. It is actually a fungus that is able to grow on skin due to the humidity. Ick!
CHICKEN NUGGETS
If The Rot don't get you, the wild chickens will.
While some parts of the USA are overrun by squirrels, Bermuda has been taken over by wild chickens. Do not go to close. When you return to the USA you must state on your customs form whether or not you had any contact with any foreign livestock.
JACK SPARROW AND THE LEGEND OF THE WHITECROSS GUINEA PIG
If the wild chickens don't get you the wild guinea pigs will.
Once upon a time, marauding pirate gangs sailed up and down the Atlantic corridor, raping and pillaging. One such gang was the Whitecross posse. They made many stops in Bermuda.
Seriously.
Any time you get a chance, look in the BDA phonebook. Everybody has the same last name. Why? Because they are all descended from the same handful of evil pirate gangs. My father-in-law thinks he is descended from the notorious Whitecross gang, the meanest, nastiest pirate gang to sail the seven seas.
Many pirates kept guinea pigs for pets. They kept you warn on a cold winter's night. Unfortunately, sometimes they got loose. Many still thrive today in the Bermudian wilds, such as they are.
So the next time you see a guinea pig with that crazy look in its eye, honing its razor-sharp teeth on a rock, do not go near. It is not the neighbor-boys, out for an evening constitutional. Look closely. Take photos. It may be descended from the infamous Jack Sparrow himself!
THE BERMUDEAN ARTS COMMUNITY
If the wild guinea pigs don't get you then boredom might.
I have been visiting Bermuda at least twice a year for nearly two decades. If there is any arts or cultural community, I cannot find it.
There are many art galleries on the west side of the island, right across from the Bermuda Maritime Museum. Their selection is large. Additionally, there are many books about Bermuda all over the place. I find cheap books and used hairdryers at the Church auxiliary shop near the former psychiatric hospital. The less adventurous can find just about anything in Hamilton or surrounding the Museum.
LABOR SHORTAGE
If the boredom doesn't get you hopefully an educated black women will.
To earn a living in Bermuda you must be in the reinsurance industry. That requires an investment in education. While black women have gotten the message, black men have not. So there are a great number of rich black women, looking for love and serious relationships. If I was a black man with a college degree I would be spending my spring breaks in Bermuda.
KISS ME! I'M A BRIT!
There is a dispute as to whether Bermuda is as safe as it looks.
Crime is on the rise. The explanation? The rich are getting richer while the poor are getting poorer.
Tourism is dead, despite what you may think. There are very few jobs available for unskilled laborers. Hence, the increase in crime. Those with skills are making a lot of money. Those without skills can only sit back and wonder, "why not me?"
Those giant cruise ships docked in Hamilton Harbor? Pretty soon, the old cruise ships will be retired and the new ones will be so big they will unable to come in to Hamilton unless they blow up a good portion of the city itself to make more space. This may happen. Good bye Front Street!
What will probably happen is that cruise ships will have to arrive on the other side of the island, near the Bermuda Maritime Museum.
The typical cruise ship patron spends, on average, $20 per person on t-shirts with sayings like, "Kiss Me! I'm A Brit!" Tourists give their money to the cruise ship industry, not the small Bermuda business man. If you ever see these cruise ships, which are bigger than skyscrapers, you may get the impression that tourism is booming.
You are wrong.
IF YOU AIN'T PART OF THE SOLUTION, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM
Although the population is predominantly black, for generations the government was Brooks Brothers white. Everyone was relatively happy as everyone was relative well-off. This was especially true of black families, who has a great deal more income than a comparable black family in the USA. Several years ago a black government came to power. It is very popular and it is unlikely that a white government will be elected back into office anytime soon.
In 2006 a new black premier came to office. He threw down a challenge to multi-national corporations. No doubt, the uneducated and disenfranchised loved what he did. He told the multi-national corporations which had turned Bermuda into the insurance capital of the world that before they filled a skilled job with a skilled, non-Bermudian employee they must attempt to fill it with a Bermudian. Since Bermuda is predominantly black he basically stated, "hire more black people."
These multi-nationals did what multi-nationals always do. They thumbed their noses at Bermuda. They want to be the masters of their own destinies. They are now moving to the United Arab Emirates, where the pro-business government is more welcoming.
Tourism is a small, exclusive industry. It is too expensive for any but the richest of Americans to visit. And the reinsurance industry is slowly leaving, too, though it will never completely go away.
It is unclear what the future holds for Bermuda. People are worried, as Bermuda is something of a one-trick pony. New York, the other insurance capital, has so many people it feeds off itself. Bermuda does not have this luxury.
CHECK YOU LATER!
So why do I visit Bermuda year after year?
Staying with relatives is free. Which is cheaper than a hotel. And the advertisements are correct. There is a James Bond 007 quality to the place. I often feel that I am going to turn down some dark Hamilton street-corner and see Michael J. Fox, circa 1986, sipping martinis with Kristin Davis or maybe Lily Donaldson. It's very Gatsby. It's very safe.
I have never been taken financial advantage of by a taxi driver. I find the prices comparable to New York City. Since everybody takes cash, preparation for a trip here is minimal. And the flight from JFK is less than 2 hours.
Check you later!