by Ian Heller

Created on: June 04, 2008   Last Updated: December 16, 2009

I am fortunate. My wife is a native so I get the poop. No easy breezy Fairmont Princess for me.

PLUM PUDDING ON CHRISTMAS MORN WITH LILY AND KATE

If I want to bathe, for example, I take a real Bermudian bath. Like on every Christmas morning right before cousins Lily and Kate come over for rum shots and plum pudding:

"Hey! You've been in that shower five minutes! This ain't the USA! We pay for water here!"

That's right. Bermuda is a big rock. Any water that you drink or bathe in is rain water which has accumulated in a holding tank on the roof of a house. And if there is a dry spell you must buy water which, like everything else in Bermuda, is expensive because it is heavily taxed by the Crown.

Before you drink water it must be filtered. When in doubt, drink alcohol, or at least something bottled in the USA. The water that sits in the rooftop tank is unprotected. So when birds fly over head and poop, guess where that poop lands? Natives may have built up a tolerance to the poopy water, but tourists will get sick. Then you find yourself on the pot:

"Hey! Don't flush so much! This ain't the USA! Each flush uses 13 gallons of water!"

LIKE SITTING ON THE HEAD OF A PIN

Bermuda is the most desolate place on earth. It is also the most densely populated. Wherever you go, you are surrounded by water. It feels like you are sitting on the head of a pin. Although there are numerous hideaways, in general the island has a developed, almost-urban feel to it.

The weather tends to be humid, all year. The summers are hot, the winters are cool. I go every Christmas. When I leave New York it is below freezing and quite dry. When I arrive it is in the middle 50s and super-damp. The humidity can eat you alive, especially if you are used to the dry, eastern winters. As a result, I spend Christmas shivering.

Twenty dry degrees will often feel better than 60 humid degrees. So bring lots of sweatshirts.

THE FUNGUS

You are allowed to stay two weeks. If you stay any longer you are likely to get The Fungus. The Fungus is a skin condition which affects everyone who lives here. It looks like a fine, red rash. Like the red splotches that people who drink too much sometimes get. It is actually a fungus that is able to grow on skin due to the humidity. Ick!

CHICKEN NUGGETS

If The Rot don't get you, the wild chickens will.

While some parts of the USA are overrun by squirrels, Bermuda has been taken over by wild chickens. Do not go to close. When you return to the USA you must state on your customs

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>