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Oh wow. Yes. What I really want in this world most of all is Food Police!

Forget social injustices and environmental husbandry and the real, actual business of statesmanship, I want my government to stick its head into my pantry and tell me that I have too much junk in there. I want a food census. Forget the economy, I want regular updates on which kind of berry has the most antioxidants this week. Don't care about the war in Iraq or the price of petrol, I want people checking up on my shopping list and censoring the sugary bits.

I want to see sanctions on edible food-like substances. I want to see children's parties vetted for artificial colouring and flavouring and I want restrictions on birthday cakes, pie nights and anything wrapped in cellophane.

I want all of this because I'm obviously too stupid to understand that eating fried food means I'm getting more saturated fat in my diet. Because I'm pretty sure that eating a Mars Bar is the same as eating an apple. Check it out, they both contain carbohydrates for energy and okay, the apple probably has more vitamin C, but I bet the Mars Bar has more calcium, so they're both equally good, right? I need government control because I alway thought that the five food groups consisted of
alcohol
chocolate
fried food
ice cream
and leftovers

I want to have to fill out a form every time I have potatoes and oil in my supermarket trolley, saying that I will not be frying said potatoes in said oil. It could get very bad. There might be secret chip dens where big, fat, greasy bikie gangs are all sitting round cutting up spuds an chucking them into boiling oil and selling them, hot and crunchy, to school kids. They'll probably even put salt on them.

There are so many dangers in all our food. People could be growing their very own potatoes. There needs to be some control. Obesity is getting out of hand and it's all the government's fault! We need "PlateWatch". A similar system to Neighbourhood Watch, but it would consist of people peeping into each other's dining room windows and just checking up on how much food is going onto those dinner plates. We need fridge lockout times so that there will be no snacking after 8pm. We need restaurant bouncers, checking the waistline of all patrons and turning the fat ones away. And best off if they walk home so that they can burn off that extra weight.

Yes. Absolutely. Yes. Let's absolve ourselves of any sense of responsibility whatsoever for what we put into our own actual mouths, and blame someone else for making us fat.

Learn more about this author, Amanda Le Bas De Plumetot.
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