by Kelsey Allan

Created on: June 03, 2008

You catch your breath. You grit your teeth. Push back the tears. Oh, they'll come. Later - in solitude - they'll come. But for now, all you can do...is pretend.

You pretend so hard, so well, that you fool everyone but yourself. And you wish that you could fool yourself. Because that would be so much better, easier. You find yourself hoping that someone will see right through it all, and let you drop this thin charade for even just a moment.

But the one you wish would notice...doesn't seem to care.

Pounding head, lump in your throat. You swallow the pain and it becomes forgotten until a later time. Until you remember again, and it all comes rushing back.

Sometimes the deepest heartbreak happens in secret, with no one around to witness it. Sometimes the people you think are happiest are actually the ones that have the most to cry about, but you would never guess because they are so good at hiding it.

I sometimes find myself in this place; plastering a smile on my face, I hold everything in with careful laughter and planted breaths. I'm a very good pretender, seeing as I spend most of my time on stage. Not until I am safely home do I let everything fall apart. I even have a routine: I go into my room, close the door, and turn on some sad music that helps me rip the seams and get the tears going.

I don't want everyone to think that all I ever do is cry, or that I'm an overly depressed person. I'm really not; all my friends will say that I am crazy and fun and happy most of the time. But that's why I feel pain so sharply, I think. When I do hurt, I hurt deeply, as if to make up for the happiness in my soul. One problem I have, that I know I should get over, is feeling like I have to be strong. I feel like I am the one my friends come to most to confide in. I'm as good a listener as I am a pretender. But I'm very closed in when it comes to sharing my own feelings. I have to keep up the front that everyone sees and expects, the carefree person I usually am.

So I know what it is to hurt.

It's hard to understand why we must feel this pain, why we can't always just feel joy. But you have to remember that we're only living if we hurt from time to time, because the pain wakes us up; revives us and reminds us how sweet the good times truly are.

So you endure through the pain. You know you'll be happy again, sooner or later. You let the tears flow. Because eventually, you'll let the good times roll.

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