by Savanna Carlsen

Created on: June 03, 2008

When is enough, enough? I ask that to myself every time my husband goes on another binge. We've been together since we were seniors in high school. Four kids later, we are now both thirty six years old. Where has the time gone? I look back through my journal and see how it all started from the beginning. I literally watched this man grow into an alcoholic. Only now do I fully know and somewhat understand that it truly is a disease. A disease of the mind, body and soul. It not only affects the person who suffers from it, but all those around them, especially their immediate family.

There are so many different types of alcoholism, some worse than others. Some will go through life and never realize they have a drinking problem. I live with one of the worse types of alcoholism, a binge drinker. Most of our life together I have been very angry and hateful. I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed with alcohol. If he wasn't at the bar every night after work, than he was at home drinking until he passed out. The older we got, the worse it became. Soon it would turn into disappearing acts. He would start and couldn't stop and would disappear for days at a time. I would be frantic driving around all hours of the night looking for him, calling his phone over and over again.

Then, when his body could take no more, he would call me. Crying he would beg for me to come pick him up because he couldn't stop drinking. I would go pick him up and bring him home to help him detox. Watching an alcoholic detox has got to be one of the most scariest things anyone could ever endure. He would shake violently, throw up over and over again, and cry about how he didn't want to be this person. It's absolutely horrifying to watch. In some instances he has had to be hospitalized during these detoxes because of seizures. It takes days and days before he would finally come back to some sort of normalcy. He would be in a good state of mind and try Alcoholics Anonymous meetings again. Keeping that fear of what happens when he drinks is what helps keep him sober, not to mention seeking treatment in AA on a daily basis.

During those times in between the binge drinking, life would go back to normal. I would feel somewhat comfortable again and get busy with day to day life. A month would go by and suddenly, he wouldn't have the time to go to any AA meetings anymore. The fear and pain he went through has went away. His mind is like a switch and once that switch goes back to on, there is no talking, showing or convincing him to not pick up a drink. It absolutely takes another disaster in order for him to commit to sobriety again. It's such a vicious cycle and I wonder if he will ever have a bottom. This is where I have to decide when enough is enough for me. I love this person, but how long can I sit and watch him try to kill himself? Only time will tell.

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