by Mark Sichel

Created on: June 02, 2008   Last Updated: May 16, 2010

SHE + HE = WE: THE FORMULA FOR A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

There are many ways couples can approach change in their relationship. Common wisdom has it that enhancing communication between women and men is the best way to rescue a failing relationship. Difficulties in communication are attributed to differences in the way women and men express themselves. The widespread notion is that men and women just don't understand each other because we come from different planets. In our culture, we believe that if two people can speak in the same language or at least learn the dialect of the other gender, they can discuss and resolve their misunderstandings and dissatisfaction with each other. Most therapy is focused on hashing out the issues between two people, ultimately rehashing their negative feelings toward each other.

As a society, we've grown to believe that a full delineation of complaints, judgments and indictments will stimulate changes that lead to a more satisfying relationship. Sadly, though, this route of negative self-exploration and mutual fault finding only leaves us feeling impotent and powerless because it can't create enduring change. All that it does is give one person a temporary illusion of power and another person a feeling of responsibility and guilt. If, however, we get off our individual platforms and stop self-righteous preaching toward our partner, we're freed up to focus on the WE, which is the overriding concern when people are looking to achieve satisfaction in their close relationships. The most direct route to behave and think in a way that benefits the two of you as a couple, a team, is to be guided by the concept of "When in doubt, take the high road." How do we get on the high road, especially when we're in the midst of a battle with our mate? The answer may seem elusive, but it's actually very simple. When you choose to make your relationship better, you'll think about what is best for the two of you. When the WE takes precedence over SHE, HE, OR ME everyone wins.

When two people focus on the WE, they are doing so because their overriding concern transcends each of them in favor of the relationship. Delineating negatives and focusing on culpability can never be empowering because it is an unconscious rote action that isn't guided by choices or the conscious decision to be the person you want to be. None of us would choose to be weak, judgmental, critical or the kind of person who abdicates responsibility and makes our partner culpable. Incessantly finding fault with your gal or guy, as we've all experienced is instantly dis-empowering.

As a society, we tend to believe that we've lost a fight when we stop attacking and defending. When we concede that we are part of a problem occurring between us and another person, we fear we have submitted and lost. Taking individual responsibility is not something that we do instinctively. Our primitive drives lead us immediately into attack and defend mode. The amazing and wonderful aspect of ending the battle and changing this behavior is that we learn that stopping the fight is what truly empowers us and creates a win. The WE wins when neither partner plays the blame game and when being close is more important than being right or wrong. Think of it this way: the WE is the home team and when the WE wins, each member of the team benefits.

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