by Isobel Allen

Created on: June 02, 2008

With freedom comes responsibility. This seems a fair principle on which to base teenage forages into freedom. But is it?

It seems clear that, usually, younger children have little freedom: clothes are picked for them, food chosen, outings taken without consultation unless parents have way too much time on their hands for negotiating with 3 year olds. As kids mature, their choices increase: what to wear, favourite meals, what to read, special trips, what to buy Dad for his birthday (my advice is that Dads should try and stock up on enough socks and underwear to see them through a decade during this stage). And as teenagers, young people need more freedom primarily for their own growth, but there's the welcome side-effect of giving parents a bit more space.

And parents want to ensure young people use that freedom wisely. Let's take a real-life example. If, on their first unaccompanied trip to town with their friends, the thirteen year old forgets to switch on his mobile phone, hasn't listened to/computed/remembered the arrangements about what time to come home, and is out with a friend whose Mother is prone to panic (and that friend doesn't have HIS phone switched on either) the results aren't pretty, and future freedom is likely to be curtailed pretty quickly until he learns to take more responsibility'. If the trip goes without incident, then all's good and it won't be long before he's allowed further a field, or out later and longer. Show you're responsible: earn your freedom.

Incremental growth seems appropriate here and give and take. Rewards for responsible behaviour reinforce parents' expectations while respecting a young person's choice; punishment in the form of less freedom makes it clear that the young person has made questionable choices.

So far, so seemingly straightforward but, in my view, misleadingly so. For how do we define responsible behaviour'? Where is the line between respecting a young person's choice' and allowing them to only do the things you want them to do? Doesn't this boil down to respecting their choices only when they're ones you approve of? Where is the freedom in encouraging young people to live up to your definition of acceptable behaviour? Will you only love them if they choose what you would choose?

Families make different choices, and they're complex. Another example. My partner (let's call him Mr P.) both adores and dislikes rebellion in his teenage son. Mr P. more straight-forwardly dislikes dangerous behaviour (playing in traffic,

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