by Rush Mckenzie

Created on: June 01, 2008

I have been experiencing depression since I was eight years old. I have tried over twenty anti-depressants during this time period. I am allergic to all SSRI's, and do not cope with MAOI's well. For the past five or more years, I have been dealing with my depression without medication. It is quite difficult at times. More so than others.

Currently the depression is pretty steep. Situational factors are also a major contributor. My therapist dropped me due to his inexperience with dissociative identity disorder, which I also have. Not having a therapist during the last couple of months has been rough. I have had to utilize different coping mechanisms, rely on myself, friends, my dad and anything else that I can conger up. It is difficult to not have a therapist to process with.

My depression exhibits with the usual fatigue. I want to sleep more than is healthy. It is difficult not too. My eating habits are fluctuating rapidly. I eat junk food, to healthy food. I eat too much, to not enough. The same with exercise. I am having difficulty concentrating on reading, television and even cleaning. I am overly sensitive at times. Then there are the times where I feel has though I am walking in a fog. I am tired of my depression. It is eating me up inside, and out. It is ruining my relationships also.

I am currently in couples therapy. Tomorrow will be our second session. And I am interviewing a therapist afterwords. Busy day for therapy.

I bought a juicer to try and take in the essential vitamins. It seems to be more of a hassle at the moment. I am going to attend a yoga class at my college this summer. I am walking a few times a week for exercise. I am tiring to get out of myself.

There is a party that I will be attending in two weeks. It feels very overwhelming. I have hardly any motivation to do so. I have slowly started to buy cards and gifts. It is a multi-party. Birthday's/Graduation/Father's Day Party. With MANY people. I do not want to be around people. Let alone around the ball park of seventy.

I am taking it one step at a time. One moment by moment. It is difficult. The lack of motivation, fatigue and feeling like I need to wear my social masks is the worse of it. I can dredge through the rest. Including the fog.

I do not remember the last time that I had more than two weeks of happiness. It seems like an "Alice In Wonderland" experience. I keep thinking of the waves and the tide in the ocean. I wonder what happiness and contentment feel like. I wonder if I will ever feel those feelings again. I feel like a broken vase with too many intricate pieces to put back together. I feel like that I am waiting for something, but I do not know what.

Depression used to feel good. I used to love the way I felt so creative in it. I would look forward to the deepest abysses. I drew, painted, wrote, and saw a whole new enticing world in front of me. It was an exciting time. There was a time in which I could not sleep even though I was insurmountably depressed. I had no motivation, but yet was able to do many, many things. I kept them going. Full time student, job and household. along with being a parent to a toddler. I long for that energy to spark through my veins again.

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