Oppression and abuse are all too common in families around the nation and the world. Abuse takes many forms with physical violence being the most overt form of abuse and most easily recognized. The damage from physical abuse is clearly seen in the form of bruises, broken bones, and even in death. Damage from the other common abuses that go on in families are not so readily visible. The scars on the emotions and the spirits of the abused go unnoticed by too many people, including the victims. These "invisible" scars and wounds only make the true solution more difficult to find, they are hidden behind a heavy cloak of guilt, shame and self hatred. Left to fester the wounds of abuse only perpetrate more of the same turning victims into perpetrators of their own sufferings without conscious effort.
Every single victim of spousal abuse has suffered at the hands of someone in their lives years before meeting the abuser. This may seem like a blanket statement but I am firm in my stance on this. In childhood many people are either overtly or covertly abused in various areas, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse happens every single day in families of all standing in the community. Much of this is not done purposely or with malice but the damage is none the less there.
If you tell your little child to kiss or to hug a person they do not want to, what message are you sending them? I have seen countless parents force their children to hug and speak to people they are not comfortable with. Why do I feel this is covert abuse, let me explain. When you make a child interact with someone they are afraid of or uncomfortable with you are teaching that child his or her feelings are of no account. Though they feel unsafe, for whatever reason, to force them to ignore the feelings that warn them to protect themselves is deeply damaging. Parents don't see the message they are sending to the child. They are telling that child to ignore the very instincts that were given to them, to comply with a request to do something they are uncomfortable with. To tell little Susy to kiss Uncle Sal when she is afraid of him is fostering future inability to determine what is safe for her, placing the needs of others ahead of her need to feel safe. Too much of this goes on today, and has always been the case in families.
When a person lives in a critical atmosphere they begin to question their own mind, they become unsure of the signals they receive about their own safety and abilities. Calling children stupid, dumb, careless, and to belittle them is devastating to their future, and too many people do this to their kids. The need for success in many families and the pressure they put on little children to fit the mold is counterproductive.
When children see their parents hurl insults and humiliating remarks at each other they are learning too. If the people that are responsible for them and their safety are tearing each other down the child's confidence in the parent is marred. For instance, if she loves her Daddy and Mommy is always telling Daddy he is a lousy husband and father, she will begin to believe Mommy and see her father in a bad light. If a father is abusive to her mother in anyway the child perceives that Mom is unworthy of trust and cannot protect herself, how can the child expect to be protected by her.
When children grow up in these hostile environments their "radar" is off, they do not pick up on clear signals that those raised in nurturing environments see immediately. When a boyfriend suggests that you not wear a certain outfit because he doesn't like it, a person with little self confidence would not pick up on the dangerous signal that is given. They comply with this request and feel they must have made an error in judgment giving that power to the boyfriend. Making it easier for the next effort to control them to be a success. A woman or girl who knows herself and has confidence would not give in to such a controlling request, as they are comfortable with the choices they make. Red flags are raised by a request of this nature and they begin to view the boyfriend in a different light. They are able to see the selfish nature of such a comment, the hurtful tone and the controlling nature in this.
We bring it up to the level of anger and controlling a person through emotions next. A person that has lived in an neglectful emotional environment will be easier to sway with anger and refusal of affection. In childhood patterns are learned, when the emotions of a parent are leveled against a child they learn ways to appease the anger and to "make it better" by various means. If a parent is distant the child learns to beg for affection, to do things, even negative things for attention of any sort. This is translated into the destructive nature of abusive relationships in adulthood. Emotional manipulations that would be seen for what they are to a healthy person, are signals to the neglected to try harder.
By the time physical abuse reveals itself in a person's life these patterns have been present for a very long time. Physical abuse is the cumulation of all these other events and resulting patterns of behavior. An abuser doesn't start out blackening the eyes of their spouse or girlfriend, it is a behavior that is gradually revealed. Signals have been sent and received, tests have been give to see how far the weaker party can be pushed, how much will they take, how dependent are they. With each beating, forgiveness and honeymoon period that follows, the patterns become more deeply ingrained and the behavior is more difficult to stop.
The only way to stop this cycle of abuse is to help the victim realize that they are deserving of respect, love, and have a right to their own thoughts. Without these things being instilled into a victim of domestic abuse they will not find their way out. The same emotional systems that have kept them from protecting themselves their entire life can not easily be shattered. At their core they do not feel they have a right to expect better, they don't realize they have rights over their own bodies and choices. Years of hearing they are not competent take a toll on their self esteem and they believe that they cannot survive without someone telling them what to do. Well meaning friends and family reinforce this without realizing it. "When are you going to wake up, you must like this or you would leave, how can you continue to tolerate this" are statements that are regularly made to people in abusive situations. Every message is about their inability to make sound decisions, this only sinks them further and further in despair.
The process of recovery begins with messages of love, confidence, and uplifting encouraging help. The victim needs to be reassured they are worthy of better, they need to know just how strong they really are, how vital they are to the rest of the family. Yet this is just the starting place. Help them to set up plans for safety without judgment, a place to go, an escape route, a network of supportive people. This serves more than the obvious purpose of escape from a beating, you are giving them an opportunity to participate in their own emancipation. By encouraging them to come up with a plan you are in effect, starting them on the path of taking some control over their life. Even just the planning of a safety plan gives them confidence, it shows them they can come up with solutions. It is not easy to support someone in an abusive life, frustration and fear are part of the territory. The urge to become angry with them and belittle them must be avoided at all costs. It can take years for someone to find the confidence and courage to break out of this prison of abuse, we must be patient.
Leaving the abuser is only the first step. The victim must take a long and hard look at what lead them to accept this. Therapy should be suggested to all victims of abuse as the problems that led to this are deeply rooted. Without this self evaluation and hard work to change the patterns, they often choose another partner that will continue the abuse. Finding themselves in another situation where they are being abused is devastating and only makes them more certain they must "like it" or are destined to this sort of life and deserve what they get.
These patterns in society can be broken, they start in the earliest days of childhood and parental education is a must. These patterns can be broken in families with hard work, support from loving friends and family, and honest self evaluation. Freedom from abuse can be a reality and is for many who have taken the necessary steps.