by Marsupial

Created on: May 31, 2008   Last Updated: July 09, 2008

I heard it said once that "to worry is to practice Atheism." Worry is quite appropriate in a world where God does not exist and there is nothing beyond ourselves to grasp. But that's another subject altogether. The fact of the matter is worrying affects me every day, sometimes subconsciously; and it comes pouring out in the form of anxiety, depression, and even bouts of anger toward my dear husband and sons. It was brought to my attention this evening, in fact, that my anxiety has negatively affected our 3 year old for months now. He responds differently to Daddy than Mommy in many instances. I worry, for example, about the boy falling in the pool even while I sit mere feet away from him as he plays at a respectful distance from the water. When Daddy is with him, however, he respectfully plays closer to the water by laying down on the edge and only splashing with his hands and toys. Worry can completely hamper my ability to relax and enjoy time with my son, and he with me. So, I must take a step back to analyze the chain reaction. What's the origin?

A large worry-trigger is anything that could potentially harm either of my boys. It was just following the birth of my second-born son that my worry found a voice with my 3-year old. The boy loves to hug and kiss the baby, which is all fine and good if he's gentle. But the minute I make a suggestion, the battle begins between us. It's all I can do to keep him from deliberately squeezing or poking the baby. It is at those times that my worry reaches unreasonable levels of anxiety that affect my toddler in the most negative ways.

Another large source of worry is money. As much as I hate to say it, much of my worrying surrounds how we're going to make ends meet month after month. Therefore, much of my anxiety stems from the areas I see that would make a huge financial difference and finding myself powerless to make them happen! Lack of control provokes me to worry, and worry tempts me to give into anger.

Thirdly, and perhaps the most powerful worry-trigger, I am a people-pleaser. The goal of my entire childhood was to do right in the eyes of my father. That's father with a lower-cased "f" as opposed to God, my Heavenly Father. God doesn't shame me when I fail. God isn't surprised by my behavior in the least and He still makes the effort to show me where I can improve. I would venture to say I am still aiming to please my earthly father, even in my late 30's and, dare I say, even when he's passed on.

Once I remember that phrase "to worry is to practice Atheism," I am brought to a place of humility. Who am I to assume everything's going to fall apart? Who am I to trump the sovereignty of God? He is our ultimate provider and protector, not me. Unfortunately, I haven't been able hold that thought long enough to make a major impact in my life. I guess this is where Philippians 4 can be helpful: "Be anxious for nothing. But in everything, in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."

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