by Sammy Jobson

Created on: May 30, 2008

Parenting an adolescent is like giving birth and going through the baby years all over again, except that now the stakes are higher. Giving birth is scary, painful, and unpredictable; waking up one day to find your child in full-blown puberty is no less so. Giving birth is a physical tearing away of your own flesh and blood; going through adolescence is an emotional cleaving, a long, drawn-out process of separation. Emotional pain can be much more difficult to bear than physical pain, and takes longer to heal.

When our kids are newborns, babies, and toddlers, they challenge us with sleepless nights, communication difficulties (is that a hungry scream or a tired scream? Is he hot or cold? Sick or just fed up?), and constant uncertainty. We wish they came with an instruction manual, but alas, they don't. All we have to rely on is the well-intentioned but often aggravating advice of others, or the many books catering to parental desperation, all of which give conflicting advice (remember Ferber?). When kids hit puberty, it's the same set of issues all over again: nights sleepless with worry or with wondering when your kid will stop haunting the kitchen and actually go to sleep; major communication difficulties (was that a "yes" grunt or a "no" grunt? Did he move his head sideways or up and down? Did she not hear me or is she just ignoring me?); and constant uncertainty (is my kid normal? What strange thing will he do today?). And again, no instruction manuals, just the parenting section at your local bookstore, full of contradictory and often insufficient advice: set limits, but don't control behavior; keep the lines of communication open, as long as you don't mind communicating by grunting and subtle head movements.

The difficulties of the first few years of life are regularly offset by our children's cuteness, their unadulterated love for us, and the enormity of each accomplishment: he slept through the night! She sat up by herself! A laugh, a first word, a first tooth, a first step. Adolescents can be cute, but let's face it, that's not the first adjective that comes to mind. Adolescents certainly reach major milestones, but they're not always the ones we were hoping for: He smoked his first cigarette! Broke up with the nice girl from the good family, all by himself! Look dear, he can ride his bike without a helmet now! And the list can get much, much scarier. And in terms of their love for us, I'm sure it's there somewhere, but gone are the days hugs and cuddles.

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