by Terry Mckee

Created on: May 30, 2008

Dear Parents of the World,

I'm writing to explain some things you may not have known about Santa and his gift giving methods but first let me preface this note by saying that Santa and I love your children all dearly, as if they were one of our own. Unfortunately we don't have any of our own, Santa wouldn't make a great dad, too busy thinking about all your little dears. Rest assured though, there is nothing we wouldn't do for them, their happiness is our first and only priority. That being said, I need to explain to why Santa makes the decisions he makes and perhaps offer some suggestions.

Santa is a jolly soul, as you well know, a sweet dreamer like no other; his thoughts are full of sugar and spice. His love and good deeds toward his fellow beings, no matter how small and insignificant, is renowned worldwide. Every day of every year is spent entirely for your happiness; it is the very reason for his existence.

So it should go without saying that guns, (all evidence to the contrary though), knives and other weapons, particularly of mass destruction, are just not in his vocabulary. Santa's a lover, not a fighter and abhors anything that maims, kills or otherwise hurts and/or destroys another living being, except when used appropriately or happens naturally.
So I'm filled with dismay when I read letters from your precious pumpkins asking for a BB gun, a 22 caliber rifle or a hunting machete. Their increasing regularity is very alarming and cause for consternation for Santa and I.

These things, in our wholesome yet humble opinion, don't mesh well with youngsters. I'm certain there isn't a parent out there that at one time or another heard a horrible story about a child killing a sibling, parent or another child because a gun was accidentally left within the child's reach. Thousands of stories are reported every day, in every part of the world, about such atrocities. It's downright stupid; Santa and I don't condone such barbaric beliefs. We feel it's on par with allowing your children to swim with the alligators or play in traffic. It's not of a question of if, but how long before someone gets hurt, besides who in their right mind would give a child a gun or a knife? Preposterous!

Holier than thou we are not (don't let the title Saint fool you), and we certainly don't want to tell you how to do your job, so we suggest a compromise. Imagine if Santa had no toys to deliver on Christmas Eve oh dear, perish the thought! So after much soul searching, we came up with maybe

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