by K Ong

Created on: December 26, 2006   Last Updated: October 23, 2009

Tantrums, threats and pleas never work.

And sometimes even reasoning will not work initially. The cheater is likely to justify his or her actions too. So all the above actions will just tire you out and make you feel even more frustrated. You may and will likely hear the following:

"You weren't there for me."
"It was never planned! We began as friends and..."
"He/She is all that I have ever dreamed of."

Such remarks will undeniably make you feel the terrible injustice of the whole situation; not only have you been betrayed but now your inadequacies have somehow driven your partner to cheat!How dare he/she! But, there may be some truth in this and it is something that requires self-reflection which can be done in a calmer state of mind.

First DEAL with the anger and pain. It's natural to want to kill your partner or do bodily harm to the unfaithful one but STOP! DONT! You may even think about hurting yourself - again, please don't!If you have to cry copious tears, do it! If you have to break some dishes, cut up some clothes, pictures, anything inanimate, just to make you feel better, go ahead - just as long as as you do not manifest the anger as violence on the cheater. You will only be at the losing end if you do this as it will reinforce or add on to whatever negative belief the cheater already has of you.

TALK to someone about the situation. Sadness when shared is lessened. To know that there are people who care and support you at a time when your world seems to have collapse helps to numb the pain somewhat. Friends and loved ones will listen, sympathise and berate the cheating one with you. This is very much welcomed. However, some will also offer advice. This is where you should tread carefully. Remember everyone is different.

RECOGNISE that you need to move on. Dwelling on the situation will only prolong your misery. Love yourself enough to tell yourself to get on with life. The big question is do you do this with or without your faithless one?

At this point in time, EVALUATE the situation. Are there children involved? Is your partner repentant and willing to give the relationship another chance? Are you willing to forgive even if you cannot forget? You need to sit down with your partner and discuss such issues and this must be done in a very calm and rational manner. Both will need to listen and give the other party a chance to express themselves. Again, great self-restraint is needed to prevent rage from rearing its ugly head as such discussions may be unpleasant. The minute you allow anger into the discussion, it is likely to end up fruitless.

Walking out of the relationship seems to be a quick and easy solution. But this is usually done in anger when options have not been explored and it may not be the best answer.

Finally, UNDERSTAND that if you choose to work on the relationship, the pain will not go away so soon. There may be bouts of sadness for you to deal with and sometimes the temptation to bring up his/her moment of weakness and just lash out is great. But by then, you've come this far and you've proven that you're the strong one in the relationship and your partner would have realised that too, and hopefully appreciate you even more.

Learn more about this author, K Ong.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.