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climax. I have been involved in it as well, and I have seen the machinations of good intent metamorphosed into cold and heartless empty ritual, have gone on stage with a pasted-on smile and sung songs, have wondered at how out of phase my spirit has been with my body in those moments. I have written music in private that expressed what no one else could when the spirit led me. I have wept in private worship alone with no one else but the Spirit of God to accompany me. I have been around the block and done just about all there is to do with what we call worship in and out of the church. Some of it has been real and some of it has not.

I'm just wondering if there comes a point where we can be honest about our disillusionments. I know I cannot possibly "enter into the house of the Lord with thanksgiving" on more than a handful of Sundays per year and retain authenticity as a believer. Yet there is immeasurable pressure in the system to do just that. My heart bears witness against me that I have gone in and worn a good Christian face on many occasions just so that I wouldn't cause a stir. Is it only me? Am I the only one who has felt more than a little awkward, and more than a little pressure to boot, about raising my hands, speaking in tongues, dancing with random flags and streamers, getting emotionally worked up, and otherwise forcing myself to fit in with the generally accepted norm for how worship should look and sound and feel? I'm not only speaking here about music, but also about our process for engaging God and the rote we undergo as we do it.

I pretty much found God within the fold of the Vineyard in Boise, simply because of how highly held the value of worship is there. But as time went by, as decade rolled into decade, something slowly happened that I'm not sure everyone either knows about or is ready to admit. Both God and man stirred the pot, personnel changes were made, and even before that there were pastoral staff members standing in the back pointing to the clock and glaring at band leaders when worship time limits were exceeded. Internal policies were modified so that band leaders had very limited individual control over what songs they could choose for worship. Control over just about every part of production was run up the chain of command to higher levels and those elements that did not fit the mold of the prescribed vision of the leadership were systematically absorbed and diluted or eliminated. Meanwhile those of us who wanted more were left

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