by Ronda Marie

Created on: May 29, 2008

All of my life I have heard little voices. Not real voices that a
schizophrenic hears, but the kind that allow us to be destructive to
ourselves and our well-being. This memoir is to comfort those of you
that hear them to.

Night time seems to be the worst for me. My mind plays games and never
seems to rest. I repeat things over and over again in my mind. Wondering

if I made good decisions through out the day, week, month, or even year.
I try to stop my mind or better yet to quiet it only to fail. I begin
rehashing old feelings of sadness and guilt. Very seldom do I rehash feelings
of happiness.

The amount of love that I am able to express to another human being
is sometimes mistaken for weakness. I am very expressive and will go
to great lengths to please those I love. People feel a great sense of
loyalty and love that comes straight from my heart. They feel safe and
secure in my presence. I love to love. I am by far a giver in life.

The flip side of that is my anger. I will contribute the same amount of
energy and sometimes more to hurt myself and others when I am angry.
Very simple things trigger my anger and make me jump to conclusions about
things that may or may not even be true. Some people might think I am a
hateful person. I tend to lash out and act irrational. I think I am just
very passionate in all that I believe in. I also hold grudges. I wait for
the person that has wronged me to suffer. I wait for it like a child waiting
for Christmas morning. Once that horrible thing comes back around to the
one that has wronged me I rejoice. I feel fulfilled.

People get hurt feelings at the hand of me being to candid. My truest
feelings seem to be the most hurtful to others and therefore I try to
conceal them. That is until I've had a drink or two.

I think that my openness comes from my father. He never sugar coated anything.
If he thought you were an ass he told you so. If he didn't like you he told you
that too. He was very good at reading people as well as my mother. I think he
was just quicker to call you out on it. My mother on the other hand would watch
and study the person and use their stupid arrogance to her advantage.

All of this confusion causes a great deal of guilt in my life. I feel that
the lord would be ashamed of such a person. My mother always said, "If you do
not forgive, You can not be forgiven". However, I have failed miserably at
this task. I have many aspects of my life to work on. This one by far being
one of the most important, forgiveness.

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