by Danine Manette

Created on: May 29, 2008

The discovery of marital infidelity is a devastating experience. Even though a marriage can often recover, sometimes the damage done is simply too great to overcome. The speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the adulterous spouse, in essence because they are the one that brought an outsider into the marital union. Often, however, the adulterous spouse has no idea what to do, or how to behave, in order to help rebuild trust in the relationship. Therefore, I have composed this guide to assist the adulterous spouse in helping to rebuild their marriage.

If you are the cheating party, you'll need to print this list out and put it in your pocket. If you are the victim of a cheater, you might want to provide your spouse with this list as a reference.

#1 Stop lying. If you love the other man/woman, admit it; if you're not sure you want to remain in the marriage, say so; if the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worse thing that could happen has already occurred...you slept with someone else. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair, therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process waaaay back. The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, simply STOP LYING.

#2 Do not get defensive or assign blame. This is not the time to employ the old adage of "the best defense is a good offense." This is the time to be contrite, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything at this point which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, do not waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. Do not point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence, or falling prey to a stalker. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark

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