by Bob Graff

Created on: May 29, 2008   Last Updated: June 06, 2008

I work two jobs, as do many of us with children. I have a position with a marketing company that rewards my participation with U.S. dollars, and another position as dad that rewards me in many other ways. Without allowing this post to become a proclamation of all the wonders of parenting, I will focus on tasks we do to accomplish the seemingly impossible, and the confusing roles fathers play in parenting, with varying levels of relevance.

A single dad - defined as almost but not quite as relevant in a child's life, but important in your child not becoming a criminal or public nuisance. So, without a dad a child is doomed? Why then is so little credit given to a father in areas of upbringing aside from discipline? If a father is there only to be a disciplinarian or to provide those things nostalgia tells us they should contribute - a game of catch, coaching the child's sports teams, making tree houses - then how else does a father matter?

Societal norms are based on our life experiences as well as that which we see in others and through the media. Sometimes the role of media in how people define their successes and failures is too great. What is lost is actual perspective. Norms are presented, and therefore made true, by depictions of its existence consistently over time. With parenting, the norm is that the mother is most important. From custody agreements to helping guide children through life, from who is more qualified to purchase items and make decisions for the household, norms skew the definition of good parenting in the direction of the moms. But it comes down to attributes which define the roles we play. When you think of a dad, the norms still remain that he is the bread winner and moms the person who actually raises the children. Bleeding into society from both sides is a relevant perspective on both roles - dads being parents, moms working more, and roles changing rapidly.

Are we able to say that a mother is more qualified to accomplish the tasks of completing homework, cooking dinner, getting the children to brush their teeth and wash their hands? Are these tasks we accomplish as stand-alone accomplishments or are these things only accomplished as a broad brush stroke by the person more suitable for the task? If I work all day and come home to work more on the things that matter to our family, am I not doing as effective a job as a mother who works and comes home to work more with her family? Why do we assume the mom to be the key to successful upbringing? Because norms are consistently reaffirmed and unchanged, despite those we see around us countering them each and every day.

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