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When one person addresses an issue with anyone other than the one he/she is upset with, it is called "triangulation". This is a passive/aggressive way of dealing with problems and it rarely ever accomplishes anything except for making things worse. It is especially harmful when one parent attempts to make a personal ally out of his/her child against the other parent.

A child is not a free therapist, counselor or mediator. A child is not a teammate or a comrade in arms. A child is not a friend with whom to share the frustrations of marriage or divorce concerning the other parent. A child is the innocent party to the fall-out of disagreements that two parents need to take responsibility for.

This is not to say that a parent should never explain why they are upset or discuss age-appropriate relational issues with their children. Healthy discussions are not the same as venting sessions. Venting is the blowing off of emotional steam. It is yelling at someone by yelling at someone else. Honest admissions of human weakness help children grow into forgiving adults who work towards restoration. Even this, however, should be handled carefully so that the child of any age does not feel the need to find solutions to the parents' problems.

Sometimes there are family issues that need to be openly discussed. Sometimes those issues are not only present in the relationship between the parents, but are actively affecting the children as well. Denying problems that are clearly seen is as harmful as reckless spouting; it breeds distrust and a host of other unhealthy relational issues that form a web of co-dependency and manipulative tactics of "survival".

If parents need assistance in solving issues, there is help available from many sources. If counseling is too expensive, there is a multitude of well-written books on the market that, if used correctly, can lend aid. Children are not born into the world to be sources of relational help to their parents, and they certainly are not meant to be used as bargaining chips in a fight. Children need parents to help them grow into healthy adults; it should never be the other way around.

Sometimes venting can be healthy. A journal is one highly recommended, tried and true, place to let the emotions fly. Reading what is written often brings about a measure of perspective because one can hear what one's words sound like when they "come back around". This may temper an attitude and bring softening lights into the picture before that picture is turned into spoken words in a conversation. A journal does not grow weary of "listening" and does not cast judgment. A journal does not suffer emotional damage in the wake of a ranting tempest.

People are precious and should be handled with care. Good relationships are the building blocks of strong families. Building a solid home-life takes preparation, time, care and the best of materials. It is a lot of work, but it is worth it in the long haul and will "keep the wolves at bay"; just ask the three little pigs!

Learn more about this author, Elizabeth Rogers.
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