by Robin Wilder

Created on: May 29, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

I just realized after eight or so years in an unhappy marriage the reason why we are so unhappy. We were never friends. We unknowingly skipped the whole friendship thing. We went right from attraction to lust to a relationship. The love we thought we had grew from the passion and adornment that at the time we really thought was really love.

Wow, I really thought it was true love and nothing could stop it. I was right in a way. We are still together but not in the happy way I had imagined it before. I do love him but now it's more of a pity love than what it should be. I feel sorry for him. He does not in any way need or probably even want my pity but yet it is still there. I'm sure he must feel the same way. How could he not?

I truly believe that if we had been friends first the outcome would have been much different. We would have intelligently came to the conclusion that ultimately we were not right for each other. Isn't it funny how intelligence goes right out the window when lust is the main factor of the relationship? We could have saved at least eight years of our miserable existence.

I can honestly say that it has not all been terrible but if we were with the right person or maybe even alone it could have been better. I hate to type these words because I have grown to love him. But do I want to force this lie any further, NO! I have told him and he has told me but still we remain together. I know it is because we are familiar with each other. Good or bad it feels safe. It's kinda like parents staying together for the kids.

Luckily we have no kids together except my daughter. She was ten when we met and he was the best father to her. I couldn't have dreamed up a better step father. She loves him so. And honestly that probably had a lot to do with why I stayed even longer. I know we will divorce. Even if the only good thing out of our marriage is the relationship he has with my amazing daughter then it was worth it, every single day.

It hurts my heart like you can't imagine that I am losing my husband. But I know it would hurt more if we were friends. He is a good man, and I'm not saying that because I can. He is truly a good man. I wish with all my heart I could have gotten to know him as a friend. If I had I know there is no way I would give him up.

We both have troubles from our past and if we had become friends first then we would have been pre-warned. But instead our demons had a head to head war for the last eight years. Unfortunately there wasn't and will never be a winner in that war. All I can do now is wave my white flag, retreat and once again go back to dealing with my own demons. Until I conquer my demon and love myself then friends or not, it will never work.

I will wish him well and tell him that I love him because I do. I will apologize for not loving myself enough to try and form a friendship first. It was my lack of self worth and trust in others that led us to where we are. Then I will wait for his reason and his apology. It won't come though and that is why I'm leaving his a*.

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