by Trent Lorcher

Created on: May 28, 2008   Last Updated: January 22, 2009

While perusing the shelves of the public library the other day, I was stunned at the number of fantasy books for children. After serious deliberation, I concluded these books must be burned immediately.

KIDS LIKE THEM

These books make kids want to read. Instead of improving their minds by playing video games, watching TV, and thinking up really cool tattoo designs, children who are exposed to fantasy books read for hours at a time. Hold on, that's not all.

Get your gasoline ready. They read these books even when you're not around. I know what you're thinking, "Not my kid. He would never do something as foolish as reading a book when I'm not around." Don't be so sure. I saw no less than twenty kids at the library reading Harry Potter, Eragon, Lord of the Rings and other such nonsense. What happened to the good old days when kids smoked cigarettes after school or hung out in the back alley of movie theaters waiting for their friends to sneak them in?

WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU

I still sense there are a few of you out there thumbing your nose at my warnings. Do you think you have the right to help your own children choose what's best for them? Well, you don't. I know what's good for your kids more than you do, and it's about time we return to the days of government censorship. These fantasy books bring nothing but trouble. Shouldn't your children be bullying their younger siblings instead of reading? Oh, you still don't believe your kid's involved? Go to his room now. Look at his shelves and on his desk, but don't blame me. I'm just the messenger.

PERSONAL TRAGEDY

I had a brother once. He was a good kid, got straight Cs in school. He enjoyed normal kids' stuff: throwing rocks at windows, getting kicked out of pool halls, stealing tootsie rolls from the blind clerk at 7-11, and burying cats up to their head and running them over with a lawn mower. He was doing fine until that meddling teacher of his introduced him to fantasy books. All this reading of his helped him achieve higher grades, and gave him something to do when he got bored. Next thing I know, the kid's got self-confidence and wants to go to college and make something of himself. I disowned him. It's like the books took over.

DANGEROUS TEACHINGS

It's OK to shed a tear for my brother. If only he'd have turned to drugs or alcohol instead of those books. Let me share with you what some of these books teach. They usually involve the discovering of one's true identity and heroic qualities. Why can't we just return to the past when coming of age involved engaging in unwanted relationships and starting fights? I hope my pleas have stirred a sense of duty in you. Don't just sit there. Find that blowtorch and head down to the local library today.

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