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The men and women who choose to wear our nation's uniform enjoy the fact our armed forces have always embraced new, cutting edge, technology. The woman, and fellow military member, I share my life with fits this mold perfectly. She loves technology for its own sake.
I, on the other hand, can't figure out how to hook up a video game console through a DVD player. So, imagine my misgivings the day she "surprised" me with my very first cell phone.

"But I don't want one," I said, looking at the horrid thing Sheila placed on the dining room table. "I don't like them."
"How do you know?" she asked. "You've never had one. Honey, they're such a convenience. I'm just trying to get you to join the 21st Century."
I stared at the evil shiny object still in its packaging like it was a silver cockroach.
She was, as usual, correct. Everyone I knew, except me, had a cell phone. Our Air Force has the capability to stick a joint direct attack munition up a crawfish's posterior, and yet me being a servicemember for a number of years now still refused to embrace the technological wonder of the cell phone.
The thought absolutely abhorred me. Not only is it bad enough there's actually a device where someone can always find you, no matter where you were, day or night. The problem is even more puzzling is that people actually go out and buy these things.
On purpose.
To me, it would make more sense if there were some evil plot where the government, henceforth known as "they", stuck you with a cell phone.
There's a man happily strolling through WAL-MART's sporting goods section, admiring the new fishing lures and remembering he needs to swing by the counter for some .45-caliber bullets and he ought to grab a 12-pack of cold beer on his way out. He gets home, dumps his packages out on his table and BAM! There's the cell phone someone snuck in on him. The 90-year old semi-retired WAL-MART greeter that checked his receipt on the way out must have slipped it in his bags. He was probably an undercover, super secret agent belonging to "They". Now, our once happy man has to carry a cell phone. "They" got him.
"But sometimes I leave the house just to get away from the phone," I told my lovely young girlfriend.
"Yes, but what if I need to talk to you?"
"Well, I check the answering machine every time I go back to my house," I replied.
"Nice try," she countered. "You know we practically live together anyway."
"I go to too many meetings at work."
"You can put it on vibrate."
"Really?

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