by Sam Todd

Created on: May 28, 2008

The Prime Minister Gordon "Blackadder" Brown and his Chancellor, Alistair Darling, are currently in Scotland meeting oil bosses. However, I can exclusively reveal the nature of their conversations today, as "Operation Certain Election Defeat" continues to gather pace; "Recession, Darling? Make it a good one - it is our last term after all".

It comes after lorry drivers staged protests against rising costs, with Labour MPs urging ministers to rethink increases in both petrol and tax. So what "cunning plans" has the Prime Minister got up his sleeve? As the people of Crewe and Nantwich might be able to tell you, not a lot; he "urged" oil leaders to come up with their own ideas for improving supplies.

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with P-B-C". Poole Borough Council are about to be investigated by a privacy watchdog after claims that they monitored a couple for three weeks to find out if they really living in a school catchment area. It is also suggested that they used court surveillance to check for the illegal harvesting of cockles and clams by fishermen. Whilst this is no laughing matter for the residents concerned, the masters of understatement themselves, the Information Commissioner's Office, have clearly lost none of their mischievous sense of humour. Responding to the allegations, the ICO said it has "concerns". No kidding, Sherlock.

The council said it had carried out surveillance on 17 separate occasions under the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) since 2005, including detecting underage alcohol sales, investigating benefit claims and monitoring suspected drug dealers. The moral of the story? Don't mess with the "Po-ole-lice".

Not quite as autocratic as Poole Borough Council - though you may have some convincing after 240 years of royal rule - are the Nepalese, who are about to go republic. A newly-elected assembly is to meet due in the capital, Kathmandu, to abolish the monarchy. I say due - the catch is that the key vote has been postponed due to the small matter of a bomb explosion, just as the assembly was being sworn in. An unnamed spokesman confirmed; "We would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids".

"He's not the messiah; he's a very naughty boy". Never mind the Life of Riley, it's more a case of the Life of Brian for Cristiano Ronaldo, as Manchester United his parent club, and Real Madrid, the club who covert him, engage in a bitter row over the future of the Old Trafford No. 7. Real president Ramon Calderon said: "We know they aren't a selling club. It is a problem between player and team."

Meanwhile, there's a new production of the Pied Piper of Hamlin in the pipeline - or so it seems, given the merry dance that Roberto Mancini's agent is leading his potential employers Chelsea on. Mancini's agent Maurizio De Giorgis said: "He no longer works for Internazionale. He's available for work if he gets a phone call." This is the same bloke who only last night said that Mancini would be staying as Inter manager.

Just two other sporting notes to finish on; England coach Fabio Capello has urged his team to play with an "English spirit" against the United States. "We want to play without fear, with a big show of confidence and in a very English type of spirit," said Capello ahead of the friendly at Wembley. Funny that, considering Capello said on his arrival that he never had any intention of managing his native Italy.

It's also the start of the French Open tennis tournament this week. Unfortunately, I can't update you on any results or scores because I haven't been watching, but seeing as I'm constantly hearing lots of grunting, I can only presume that Maria Sharapova is on court.

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