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The Care and Feeding of Bullies and Assholes

I've always been fascinated with identity development, and attributed no small part of my graduate studies to it as a result. The draw for me has always been the lengths to which we all go in the name of becoming, the behaviors we display often unknowingly, those good and bad and kind and cruel.

As a species we are all so vulnerable at heart, constantly protecting and defending while scrambling to make sense of our worlds and how we fit into them. Ironically, we're often mistakenly perceived as overly-aggressive or on the offensive, rejecting, or even alienating for purposes of attack. But so much of our action is really just reaction to how we feel or are trying to feel about ourselves, and when we can slow down enough to realize this, well, we can really start making some progress towards solidifying.

Knowing this comes in handy in my line of work. In the case of a bully, the behavior is a manifestation of needing to dominate. This stems from a deep insecurity of being dominated, which is likely the case at home. If the situation is never remedied, if the child grows up never feeling free of the oppression, there's a good chance the bullying behavior will continue into adulthood in the form of snide picking, passive-aggressive tendencies, and in extreme cases, outright physical and emotional abuse of others.

Bullies, like all those with an unresolved sense of self, live a dual, diabolically opposed existence. Inside they house the self who fears being dominated and oppressed, as well as the self who overcompensates by dominating and oppressing others. I see this deeply confusing character conflict in kids from time to time, and when I do I try my best to give those students opportunities to express their thoughts and opinions in positive environments without my criticism or direction.

This could mean anything from giving them liberties in creating projects to designing classroom rules, to even choosing their own schedules when appropriate. As long as they are first and foremost the agent and cultivator of their own success, they are able to feel pride and trust in themselves when they are successful. This is, in effect, how confidence is built, and where there is true self-confidence and self-trust, there can be no overwhelming feeling of helplessness against harm and/or oppression others... e.g., no more need for overcompensating manifestations. There can quite frankly be no more bullying.

So, the next time you run into a particularly mean-spirited person, try to imagine that person as a six-year-old who's never allowed to color outside the lines, or an eight-year-old who never receives the illuminated, smiling expression from mom or dad when he or she brings home a school project. Forgive before even giving in to emotion and finding yourself insulted, and nine times out of ten you won't be.

And if you happen to be that six or eight-year old... it's not too late to forgive, yourself.

Learn more about this author, Rosalie Vincent.
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