by Terry Marsh

Created on: May 28, 2008

Yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who is trying to recover from a recent break up. She explained how difficult it's been for her to fill the time and space that she once shared with someone else. She reads, jogs, spends time on-line, and has even become more involved in her church. Still, she finds there are moments of emptiness.

She asked how I bounced back after my divorce several years ago. This made me reflect on the recovery period after the most traumatic emotional experience of my life. I'd never really thought about "how" I got through it. I just knew that I "had" to get through it.

Women sometimes think that men care only about the finances and material wealth divided when a marriage ends. The truth is that no one wants to have to start over from scratch. But from personal experience, the emotional devastation caused by a broken heart greatly outweighs any financial losses. It actually took me longer to get over missing her than it did the material things.

While considering the question put to me by my friend, I retraced some of the steps that helped me to move forward. The things that helped me to heal were...

1. Time: There are two old sayings that I had to constantly keep in mind, "time heals all wounds" and "this too, shall pass". I believe committing these sayings to memory helped convince me that I'd eventually get over the hurt. I had to recite these to myself constantly, sometimes while hiding my pain. It took a while, but the pain did go away.

2. Activity: I preferred activities that kept me busy and challenged me physically. I actually went back to exploring many of the interests and activities that I participated in before marriage. Photography, basketball leagues, and traveling were beneficial in getting me through tough times.

I also found new interests. I learned to ski, learned skydiving, learned to cook, and went hiking. I read more, hung out at Starbucks, and went to poetry readings. Essentially, I did whatever I could do to keep my mind busy.

3. Friends: When getting over heartache, friends can become both an asset and a liability. Thank goodness that mine were an asset. Months after the break up, some people continue asking, "how do you feel" or "how are you doing"? For me, this opened wounds that were healing.

My friends gently nudged me back to life. They encouraged me by getting me out of the house to play basketball, play video games, go to concerts, and eventually, to even face my fears by re-engaging and interacting with the opposite sex.

There were other factors that contributed, also. Family members, spiritual growth and development, and work. But, the one thing that I really benefited from was gaining a better appreciation of myself. Learning to spend time alone and being able to recapture my personal identity allowed me to grow in directions that I never thought possible.

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