by Carrie-Ann Campbell

Created on: May 27, 2008

Well, here's the thing.
I always figured that given the choice, I would not be a superhero. Oh, no, I would definitely, and without a doubt, be a supervillain.
Are you kidding? Superheroes NEVER have fun! They risk their lives and don't take credit, everyone hates them and not to mention they all seem to have some brain-dead job hardly befitting a Defender of the Human Race. (Except Bruce Wayne, and he masquerades as a flying rodent for crying out loud.) Let's also consider the bodies. Male superheroes all have the twelve-packs, the perfect hairline, and blinding smile and V shaped bodies, what with those broad shoulders and tiny waists... hmmm!

Let's take a look at the chicks. They too (with the exception of Lara Croft) have outstanding twelve-packs, muscular veiny legs and scary gnashers. And they never smile! They always seem to have a painful rictus of a grimace on their perfect faces!
No, I would be the super-villain, with a huge grin and a sexy laugh.
Not only that, but I would be the best darn super-villain there ever was! Mainly because super-villains seem to be mind-numbingly stupid. Me, I have already outlined my plans for after I take over the world:

1. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.
2. Never, NEVER, will I ever utter the words "Before you die, there's one thing I need to know..."
3. If my Trusted Advisor of Evil says "My Lady, he is but one man. What can one man do?" I will immediately turn around, say "This" and shoot him.
4. If I have captured the hero, and placed him in an elaborate trap designed to slowly reel him into a painful and gruesome death, I will NOT leave halfway through, thereby giving him a chance to escape.
5. All vents and underground pipes will have motion and heat sensors to prevent infiltration into my Fortress of Evil.
6. I will monitor all couples entering my Evil Dominion. If they appear to be happily married, I will leave them alone. If, however, it is a man and a woman who argue constantly, appear to loathe each other (apart from when they are forced into a situation of danger, whereby they will look into each other's eyes with obvious sexual attraction) my customs officers will descend upon them and kick them out.
7. I will actually LISTEN to my Trusted Advisors, instead of ignoring them completely when they have warned me the hero has escaped and is on his way to kill me.
8. If a baby has been born, that has been prophesied to be my ultimate adversary and cause of my untimely death, I will NOT kill his adopted parents/beautiful

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