by Yifei Tan

Created on: May 27, 2008

False Promise

He promised me nothing, but his appearance did.
He did not break any promises, but his actions showed.

It's been seven months since we first met and situation is getting worse and worse, at least in my mind. I am not doubting how much he loves me. I am not doubting how likely he's going to cheat on me. But doubts about our future just keep floating in my head, even appearing in my dreams.

For the last two months, I constantly had dreams of him leaving me for another woman.

Deep in my heart, I know and believe he loves me more than anything, except his family.

Why can't I have a big heart and accept his family like other girls?

I constantly blame myself for such selfish act and try to be mature, yet what he told me about his family just anger me.

Just last night, he told me about his older cousin's experience: His cousin went to China last month and met an American-born-Chinese girl. When his aunt told her about his cousin being a doctor, the girl chased him all the time through out the whole trip.

He found it funny because once I joked about how girls would just married someone for money and for degrees, and his cousin's experience proved it true.

I understand he did not mean it in a bad way, but something just flashed across my mind: his family looks down at mine. For some reason, I always feel that his family thinks my family is there to deceive his money. I always feel that I become his girlfriend for his degree and his money, but the true is I am there for nothing. I love him for nothing. I don't desire any monetary goods. I don't desire any material goods. I don't even desire his love. I told him at the beginning that if one day he loves another woman and he just wants to let go, say a word and I will leave him. All I want is for him to be happy.

The way his relatives talked offend my family, not me.

Money, I don't care!
Clothing, I don't care!
Going out to fancy restaurants, I don't care!

All I want is a sense of love!
All I want is a sense of respect!

I don't want his house!
I don't want his car!
I don't want his money!
I want my dignity!

His appearance promised me that he's going to be educated and open-minded.
His words promised me that he's going to protect me from any pain.
He promised me that he won't let me cry any more.
He promised me that he will make me smile more often.

Here we are.
I saw nothing but he's going along with his family.
I sensed nothing but pain and shame his family brought on me.
I gain nothing but lower self-esteem.

May be I am wrong;
May my standard is too high;
May be I am too childish;

But I am learning,
I am learning to compromise
I am learning to control my emotions
I am learning to have fun while I am with you
I am learning everything I can to please you,

I am learning!

Please, I don't need someone to tell me I am poor, at least not from my boyfriend's family!
Please, I don't need someone to tell me what kind of job I should look for, at least not from my boyfriend's family!
Please, I don't need someone to tell me to look for a job constantly, because I am tired and I just want a small break before launching a career, at least not from my boyfriend's family!

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