by Joanne Mansfield

Created on: May 27, 2008   Last Updated: March 06, 2012

In these parts of Western, North Carolina, Wal-Mart, better known as Wally World, offers tourists and locals alike a real taste of the "BIG TOP".

If you are looking for a new coiffure, stop by the hair salon. Gertie will cut your locks and you will look like a model from one of those 1980's magazines.

Spend the next hour in their optical department, trying on every single pair of glasses that they have displayed. And when the smile begins to fade from the optometrist's face, say your adieus.

Walk-ins are always welcomed at Mr. Hung's Nail Hut. Have some colorful acrylics slapped on your nails and while you are at it, drown those crusty, calloused feet into solution.

Feeling at least ten pounds lighter from the callous removal, saunter over to the Wally World bank and make a quick withdrawal.

With your pocket filled with cash, stop in and peruse the real estate offerings. Let the salesman give you his spiel about the upside of owning mountain property, expounding all the virtues of the Bible Belt. When the real estate listings all begin to blur together, politely excuse yourself for a bite to eat.

At Chez Sun, order a processed meat sub on a toasted two week old roll. Be sure to get all the fixings: brown, limp lettuce, slimy green tomatoes, spore ridden cheese, and half a gallon of mayonnaise slopped on for an added measure. Oh yeah, and don't forget your sweet tea. Yum-ee!

Care to capture this Wally World moment forever? Then stop in, no appointment necessary, and have your photograph taken. You will be tempted with a myriad of photograph sizes but hey, having your picture slapped on a key chain is so cool, or maybe even a lapel pin if they are available.

Talk about convenience. Wally World is a one stop shop! If you have a little time, be sure to stop by the refrigerated section where they keep cottage cheese. After removing the plastic lids of half a dozen containers, time yourself and see how fast you can rip off the plastic seals.

Not spent yet? Meander over to office supplies and begin rolling packaging tape down the aisles. It's the best fun yet.

But the climax of your trip to Wally World can only be highlighted by purchasing a carton of cigarettes. And when the cashier asks you for identification, be sure to pelt her with a barrage of questions:

"An id?"

"Do I look like I'm 21?"

"Are you crazy?"

"Who makes up these stupid rules?"

And when she fails to weaken, simply storm out of Wally World and vow never to come back again....or at least until the next time you want some excitement.

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