by Tinoy Mama

Created on: May 27, 2008   Last Updated: May 28, 2008

Separation Anxiety Disorder is defined as "developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached" (http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx78.htm). Yet separation anxiety in itself (without it being considered as disorder) is a common "rite of passage" in infants, toddlers, and school-aged children. Each age level has different ways in which the anxiety manifests itself, and also different methods to ease the anxiety.

Infants/Toddlers: Separation anxiety in infants usually begins to show around the age of 6 months. Up until then, babies' brains are in the "out of sight, out of mind" mode, meaning that if mommy is there, that's great. But when mommy's not there, as long as the babies are taken care of and loved, it's no big deal. At about 6 months of age, babies are "capable of representational thinking, which means that [they] can picture objects (like you) in [their] mind after they're no longer visible" (http://www.babycenter.com/0_separation-anxiety_1265 2.bc). A baby might cling to the parents when she sees they are about to leave. She might cry or refuse her bottle. A toddler may scream, cry, or hang on to the parents. He or she might throw a tantrum (and throw objects as well.)

The good news is that at that stage, infants and toddlers are easily distracted. A favorite song or walk with the stroller may help younger infants, and a fun game or a yummy snack (perhaps a special snack that is not always allowed) might help older toddlers ease their anxiety. Parents need to remember an important rule, however: They must never sneak out without saying goodbye (even a simple wave is enough) to their children. The child's anxiety will be a lot more severe if he or she suddenly realizes that mommy and daddy are not there, and they will have a hard time letting go later on.

School Aged Children: For a child who is used to staying home with mommy all day long, making the transition from home to school may be a bit difficult at first. It is completely normal for a child to be anxious and apprehensive about leaving the comfort and safety of home (and mommy) behind, even if it's to go to a fun place full of friends and toys. A young child may try to avoid going to school by saying he or she is not feeling well, crying, and throwing a tantrum.

There are several ways of easing this anxiety. First off, a parent must not show his or her own anxiety about leaving a child in school for the first time. If a child sees that mommy is fearful and tearful, he or she will be as well. If possible, take the child to visit the school/classroom before the official start date. Show them the room, the toys, and the playground. Introduce your child to the teacher, so that when the first day comes around your child is not surrounded by strangers. You might want to ask if it is possible to leave a family photo behind in your child's backpack or cubby; that way when they miss mommy, they can just go look at the picture. Reading books about going to school and being away from mommy is also a way to ease separation anxiety. A few good titles are THE KISSING HAND by Audrey Penn, THE NIGHT BEFORE KINDERGARTEN, by Natasha Wing, and I LOVE YOU ALL DAY LONG, by Francesca Rusackas.

The most important thing to remember is that separation anxiety is a common occurrence among infants through school aged children. If parents stay calm, the children are more likely to stay calm as well. Eventually the children will learn that it's ok for mommy and daddy to leave for a little bit, and everyone involved will have fun at the end.

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