The year was l994. Dorthy and I were returning from a wonderful ten day honeymoon in California. While I was aware that my life was going to be considerably different than the first thirty four years of bachelorhood, I had no way of preparing for what was perhaps the biggest change in my life. As Dorthy and I pulled into our driveway, weary from the road, reality set in. I was now a step parent. Heather was sixteen years old. She was beautiful, bright, creative, and independent. In addition, Heather had a streak of stubbornness that would be the envy of any mule at the county fair. She was going to initiate me into the role of Step Father.

I had an image of what a step father should be. Simply stated, "In Charge" was my motto. I deemed it necessary for Heather to have some discipline in her life, and I thought that her bedroom, which was non-functional in that regard, would be a good place to start. I gave Heather some simple instructions and went about my day. "Heather, your room is a mess, clean it up. We have a lot of work to do around here, and I need your help." I can still see the look on her face when she realized that I had left as mom's boyfriend and returned as "Step Daddy from Hell". She gave me that "look" as she was headed out the door to spend time with her friends. Gone for the day, room untouched.

For the next six months, Heather and I battled over who was in charge. Before long, my quality time with Dorthy was spent complaining about her daughter and trying to figure out ways to help Heather "mind." Dorthy was remarkably patient in this regard, but still picked the time to tell me that maybe the problem was more about me, than Heather. She suggested that I reevaluate what my role in Heather's life should be, and then consider how I could develop a stronger relationship with her.

I realized that my most important role as a step parent was to be a role model. I began focusing on creating a healthy relationship between Dorthy and myself. I started supporting Heather in anything that was important to her, concentrating less on her messy bedroom and other touchy topics. I wanted Heather to learn that I cared deeply for her, and I am not sure she got that message in the first six months. I concentrated on building a trusting relationship with her instead of being her adversary.

In spite of my shortcomings, Heather has grown into a wonderful adult who is a great wife, mother, and overall human being. I couldn't

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