Until you have lived with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, you cannot possibly know the full effect on the family, and certain family members. The focus of their abuse can shift from person to person that they feel a very close relationship. The deceptive part is that to someone they are not close to, they may appear as ultra charming, and someone that is very well adjusted.
Even though it seems it should be obvious to the ill person with BPD that they need help, many deny it, and even blame their problem on everyone else. Unless the BPD person can recognize the problem with themselves, and really want to get help, they will not get better. Forced counseling will not help.
You can know if Borderline Personality Disorder is the problem, either by a professional diagnosis or by the non BPD family member researching, and getting a good indication through the multiple list of symptoms and examples. Although the professional diagnosis is ultimately needed, you may start out without that diagnosis because the affected person has not sought help, or they have slanted the situations so much that the psychotherapist does not know the true problem. The non-BPD family member needs to seek out counseling for themselves, even if the BPD won't go. This will help the non- BPD family member learn how to cope, and help the BPD.
Seeking counseling because you have BPD, or have a loved one that does, brings up another problem. You must be treated by a therapist that is familiar with BPD. You will waste a lot of time and money with one who does not really understand the problem. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT is the most preferred method of treatment. The treatment of a patient with Borderline Personality Disorder can be emotionally, and physically draining, so it is not unusual that a mental health professional will list they will not take BPD patients.
The following is a true life situation in the life of a family that has a member who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It does seem incredulous that something so little could bring so much rage in the BPD. Then within a half hour, the BPD is over it, and cannot understand why the non-BPD is so hurt or upset.
"I'm glad you're making macaroni and cheese. I love your macaroni and cheese!" said 25 year old Angela. Angela is the divorced mother of four young boys. The children and their mother are living with her parents, while she is going to school, and trying to get her life together.
" What are you doing?" Angela snaps, while looking at the microwave incredulously.
Her mother, Robin feels the tension. She tries to answer without a tone that would stir provocation. "Heating two bowls of vegetables."
"Four minutes!" Shouts Angela, I only heat them for 30 seconds." Although Angela did not say it, her body language was clearly indicating that her mother should change the time on the microwave.
Robin tries to diffuse the situation by saying with a slight giggle, "Well, I guess we'll have sizzling vegetables!"
Angela retorts, "You're making fun of me! You always make fun of me! Why can't I have a normal conversation with you?"
Robin continues working, and keeps silent. She knows it doesn't matter what she says, or doesn't say, the result will be the same. Surprisingly, the situation seemed to be over, because Angela wasn't raging, or crying.
In a few minutes, her mother, said, "While we are waiting for the vegetables, why don't you get the drinks for the kids?"
" Angela yelled, "I'm not stupid. I am an adult! I can't believe you would tell me to do that! You always treat me like a child. I expect respect. I never ask you to do anything unless it's a favor."
Robin just wanted a peaceful meal for the children, so she continued putting the food on the table.
Angela continues, "you are like talking to a wall. I hate your macaroni and cheese. If you didn't behave like you always do, I wouldn't have all the problems I have in my life. You b-! I hate you!"
She continues her rage, and runs upstairs. The oldest child, the six year old is talking calmly, and telling Robin how much he loves the macaroni and cheese.
SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER from the above example are:
Trouble observing others' personal limits
Frightening, unpredictable rages that make no logical sense
Create crisis
Verbally abuse, to the point of being brutal
Striving for negative attention
Manipulative
Show these behaviors only to people they are very close to, and are extremely
charming to others
More about Borderline Personality Disorder:
BPD Central: http://www.BPDCentral.com
Stop Walking on Eggshells: by Paul Mason, M.S. and Randi Kreger