by Sarah Heart

Created on: May 26, 2008

At My Own Pace

I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and free. The weather was beautiful, and I had energy, yes energy! I guess when I'm away from work and home, environments that have been sapping my energy, I realize that I am strong. I went on two of the most glorious hikes. I've never hiked alone before, at least not without a dog by my side. It was so wonderful to be able to go at my own pace. I was able to take in much more of the surrounding beauty, to stop whenever I wanted to snap some photos or just BREATHE. I was so in tune with the sights and sounds. As I was ascending this mountain I heard a strange roar in front of me and I became startled. I then saw that the roar was actually a bird hovering at the top of the trail, and its wings were making this noise in the stillness. It was quite remarkable. When I reached the summit of my first mountain, I sat there on a big rock, warm sun on my face, soft breeze caressing my skin, big smile on my face. I sat cross legged looking out over the valley and surrounding mountains, taking in big gulps of fresh air. I felt so alive, so present! I was all alone, seemingly insignificant sitting atop this mountain, but I felt more significant than I ever have before. I felt so grounded sitting on the summit of the mountain, looking out over the rock ledge to the trees below. I was totally in tune with my body and I knew it was taking in LIFE, filling up with goodness. The next day's hike was just as wonderful. I remember passing through this section of trail that was surrounded by the most beautiful bright green moss. I stopped and just stared at this moss, it seemed so vibrant and alive and with the sunshine sparkling through the pine forest it seemed to be glowing, I could actually feel its life force. I took a photo but unfortunately it does not do it justice. But that's okay, I can close my eyes and still see/feel it. Once I reached the summit I had the same reaction as the previous day's hike. I felt so present, so alive, and so strong. No thoughts of the past or what was to come, no distractions. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and I wish I could learn how to sustain that feeling. And you know what else? I started singing in the car on my way back from my hike, and I swear my voice was awesome. I've always hated my singing voice but it sounded more like Whitney Houston than a drowning rat this time. I think I know why it sounded beautiful. It was FREE! I must say that when I was preparing to leave the cabin, my body did start to shake. That same anxious feeling of dread, knowing I was going home to an unpleasant situation. But, despite the long hikes with a day pack on, my shoulders and neck felt so loose. As I was driving home I was marveling at how free my neck felt, like that bobble-head doll feeling. I said out loud "my neck is so loose!" and as I was speaking these words I passed a sign on the highway that said "Travel on Shoulders Prohibited". Yowsa! Talk about symbolism! Even though I'm back at home and back at work, I still feel the goodness of what I let in over the weekend. And best of all, I realize that I can be truly happy and content, something that seemed so unreachable just a few days ago. And the colonoscopy. I know that if anything comes up I am strong enough to get through it. Heck, I climbed two mountains! So, I think going away like I did was the best most loving gift I could have possibly given myself, and I will look for more gifts to sustain me as I move forward through these challenges.

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