by Gina M. Holland

Created on: May 26, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

My letter to God. I have no idea what is in store for me next. I don't wanna be one of those people who get old and die without a mate. But if that is what you have in store for me God, then I guess its what will be. I know I have my babies and I love them more than life itself, but who's to say they won't abandon me someday. I know they love me now but now is not forever. I wonder if there is a love, a true love out there for me. As you know God, I have been unsuccessful with love. I think that maybe I tried too hard or maybe I was very afraid of being alone, so I just settled for the love I could get. I seemed to be always someone's second best but I think I am worth just a little more than that. The hurt I have felt in my life seems to have exceeded human limitation on hurt tolerance. Sure there maybe a reason for everything, but my question is, does it ever get better, simpler, easier? Calm moments in my life vanished long ago, will I ever get them back? Sometimes I begin to fee a peak of calmness and I start to wonder if I am about to die, cause they say some people are very peaceful right before they die. Then, the calmness disappears and then I know I am OK. What a shame. I know your there, God, watching over me, but am I going to the be the strongest heaven comer that you have? Life hands me bad hands and I take them, cry and keep going. I am hoping your heaven offers me allot more than this pain on earth. The pain that I feel, at night when my kids are sleeping and I am alone and crying. The pain that I will feel when my children are grown, and I am alone and crying. The pain of not knowing what I did so wrong in my life that lead me to this path of destruction. Are there any answers? God, if there is, please tell me what I can do to change this path. I am willing to find the answer and live it. All I need is more strength from you. Because when I do get to heaven, I want to be happy about my life, my relationships and my everything. I want my own children to grow up, in a different light from what I grew up in. I want them to find love, the right love the first time. I don't want them to go through the trials and tribulations the way that I had too. I know that life isn't easy for anyone, but since I have been through so much in my life, does that not give my children a free pass for at least half of their life? To be without pain? They need to be happier than I was. They deserve it God. Maybe I didn't, but they certainly do. Their time will come, my children for they are just starting out in life. As I sit here writing this, I am still alone, except for the children. I try not to wonder what will happen to me, when they are gone. I just know that I want to find another love, one that will work this time, one that will be forever. Tell me God, is that even possible?

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