Home > Creative Writing > Satire
Created on: May 25, 2008
Jesus wearily opened the chrome-laden door of the road-side diner. His boots smeared mud across the linoleum floor as he trudged to the nearest stool at the bar. He slung off his dusty cloak, draping it over the stool before taking his seat. Fluorescent lighting flickered above him. He ordered a twenty-ounce stout and a bacon cheeseburger with spiced fries from the young brunette waitress with sparkling silver eye shadow. Jesus thought she must still be in high school to wear makeup that tacky.
While waiting for his food, Jesus pulled out his yellowed hand-written memo. This wrinkled old paper documented, in red ink, the two prophecies - his life's mission. Each time he read it, he pleaded with himself that it would finally make sense. Perhaps something that happened earlier in the day would add the last piece of the puzzle, thereby answering his existence. Maybe something as simple as the bright smile of a child would finalize his purpose. Or maybe an offer of a toke off a jay from a gypsy band of hippies. This thought made him smirk.
The bar maid lay his dinner in front of him, and Jesus gorged it down like a starving Ethiopian. He chugged his pilsner as if it were loaded in a beer bong, wiped the foam from his chapped lips, and ordered another drink. Jesus was looking forward to the reliable wave of content that arrives shortly after a greasy meal. Instead, the jukebox distracted him. It was playing a lo-fi record of the White Stripes. Jack White sang, "I got your phone number written in the back of my bible."
Jesus rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, "Where does that Jack get so much faith?"
"He chooses his faith," replied a raspy voice to Jesus' right. Jesus jumped, almost falling off his stool. He didn't realize someone was sitting in the adjacent stool. Fifteen seconds ago, he was alone at the bar. Now he found himself accompanied by a pale skinny ghost of a man wearing a gray suit with a gray tie. The stranger sported dark bags under his eyes, sharp facial features, and long black oily hair slicked straight back to his shoulders. Sitting on the bar in front of this shadowy specter was a martini glass full of bright green liquid, like one of those artificial juice boxes the kids suck on at lunchtime. The stranger continued, "He may be a victim of his circumstances, being raised Catholic, but he voluntarily chose to never question his denomination throughout his adult life."
Jesus curiously eyed the stranger's fluorescent glowing drink. The stranger
Below are the top articles rated and ranked by Helium members on:
Satire: Religion
St Peter sat at his desk, mac book open, coffee steaming and, once again, began the tiresome process of infinity. The list
by James Goebel
The Papal Paradox
As Pope Benedict XVI addressed a crowd of 100,000 listeners in Vatican City today, his message was received
by Jayden Lark
God's Crush on an Atheist
Dear Diary,
God here. I've got a pretty severe crush.
I've got a crush on a girl; and, she's not
Sometimes in spite of religion's claims of peace and love, it becomes very legalistic and petty and more so in young children,
by Karim Jessa
Religion must be left alone. No, I don't mean it in that way. Not left alone as in given up. I mean left alone as in I shouldn't
View All Articles on: Satire: Religion
Featured Partner
International Campaign for Tibet (ICT)
International Campaign for Tibet (ICT) has partnered with Helium, giving you the chance to write for a cause. Browse ICT's featured titles, pick an issue and write! You can also donate your article earnings. Share what you...more