6 of 6

Write now Article Tools

I'm kind of an avid lawn care amateur. I'd go pro, but some of my techniques are just a bit too unconventional to bring me success on the big stage.

But still I try. So here's my rundown on how to green up your lawn this summer.

The absolute BEST time to do lawn maintenance, of course, is when it's insanely hot and humid outside. Trust me on this one. If you're comfortable, it's not the right time to be doing lawn upkeep.

First things first. Get rid of the weeds, of course. I don't go in for fancy-pants weed killer, that's for the weak. I've got my trusty dandelion popper, young knees, and a good pair of gardening gloves. Of utmost importance here is to NOT remember to put your gloves on. That way, your hands still get plenty dirty and you'll hopefully wind up with splinters or even jab yourself with your tools - making it unpleasant to finish the rest of your work.

Gloves are there to have, not to use, of course. They're like common sense: best left inside!

Now, after about eight hours of pulling you should have a lawn riddled with holes and patches of dirt that the weeds used to hide. That just won't cut it! You've got to get new seed down on those spots in a hurry. Grab some black dirt and compost, and mix it about 50-50. Make sure you do this with your bare hands. A shovel would be a lot neater, but you don't want to get your shiny new stainless-bladed shovel dirty, do you?

Since your hands are filthy already, wander around your lawn, dizzy from heatstroke, randomly tossing dirt around. This a good time to get the hose. You'll probably faint soon if you don't get a drink, and you'll need to water in the seed soon anyhow.

Go grab your hose and turn the water on.

Once you realize that your sprayer nozzle wasn't screwed on and water is running into your shoes, turn OFF the water. Screw the nozzle on, THEN turn on the water. Since you put it on off-kilter and it's spraying you in the face now, turn OFF the water again. Get the nozzle on straight, curse a little, and turn the water back ON.

Wait, weren't you going to have a drink? Oh well, no time now.

Grab your bag of seed and tear it open by hand. Don't use a knife or scissors. You're seeding a lawn, so if a few spare seeds scatter around wherever, it's probably a good thing. That didn't work, so hold the bag and tear it open with your teeth.

While high in fiber, grass seed doesn't taste too good, so spit out what you can and wipe the rest off with your forearm. In much the same way you spread the dirt, grab a fistful of seed and throw it towards the ground.

The wind is no doubt blowing now, so you probably have grass seed in your eyes. Try to get it out with your hands, which are covered in dirt. That's wasn't a great idea, so try the hose now. You still need a drink, anyhow. Aim it at your eyes and gently squeeze the handle.

That was way too hard...maybe half that. Your eyes should be clearish now, and your neck and shirt fairly muddy from the dirt on your hands and face running down. Tell your lawn you hate it, and curse under your breath.

Toss the bag of seed as far as you can, then run at it, flailing your arms and screaming like an idiot. Remember, your grass is wet in places, so be careful running on it. Wind up your dominant leg and give the bag a massive kick.

Wet grass! Fall onto your back with a loud thud, lose your wind, and lie groaning on the ground.

So now you see how easy and fun it can be to maintain your lawn. Enjoy your summer!

Learn more about this author, Lee Mathews.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Humor: Lawn care?
We want to hear your view. Write now!