How often I have avoided the camera at parties and gatherings, or offered to take the photo rather than be in it. Rather than be reminded, one more time, of what I look like. How often my gaze has skipped away from seeing my reflection in the glass fronts of shops or those big, shiny mirrors in public rest rooms. How often I have been confused, glancing up at the screen of a CCTV and wondered who that fat lady was that had a handbag exactly like mine, and dressed in the same oh. That IS me. How often I have come home and put on some gorgeous looking thing that I discovered at the shop, on special, what a bonus! Only to find that it doesn't fit, but I never tried it on at the shop because I hate those fitting rooms. They're too small, they're too public, and they're full of mirrors. Three full walls of mirror, sometimes four. As if I'm going into that.
How often I have hated myself.
Of course there is nobody to blame but me. Nobody's held a gun to my head and forced me to eat one more helping, one more chocolate, one more fattening whatever. And I know the true secret to weightloss, it's simple as anything: just make sure that there are more calories going out (metabolism, exercise, whatever) than there are coming in. That's it. Too easy. No pills needed.
Thing is, weight is a whole lot more than just numbers. Weight is the battle between food and exercise, between fundamental needs, and food isn't just about calories consumed.
Go to a family gathering and see how easy it is to just consume the calories you need for the day. What? You're not having any of Aunty Brenda's lasagne? But she made it specially! Cousin Rory's brought along half a dozen bottles of very fine red, and your sister in law has been exploring the wonders of Lebanese cookery. How can you resist? Now, since you're all together because it's your mother's birthday, you will be disowned from the entire family if you don't share in a piece of birthday cake. Go on! Don't be mean. Of course you can't say no. That would be like saying you don't wish your own mother a happy birthday.
And so on.
Of course social gatherings are not the only times fraught with food anxieties for those of us who have weight issues. Feeling happy? Celebrate by going out. Feeling miserable? Treat yourself to food: chocolate is good, everyone knows it's got, uh, stuff in it to raise your serotonin. Mad at someone? Go eat! (That'll teach 'em!)
Food is easy. Undemanding and without judging you, food will make you feel great inside. The scent of bacon frying, the taste of salty olives, the smooth feel of creamy dessert, the sound of a crisp apple as you bite into it, the colours of fruits, vegetables, a table laid out. This sensory indulgence is sometimes the only nice thing in the day and even if it isn't the most nutritionally balanced meal that makes you feel good, just having the feel of food in your mouth and your belly full can make it so worthwhile.
The problem with being overweight is that once you're there, it's slow and difficult to get thin. Aside from obvious medical problems such as underactive thyroid there's almost nothing your doctor can do to help, and you can't just stop eating. That sort of thing might work for people who want to quit a tobacco habit, or to stop using alcohol, but you just can't do it with food. You have to have some food or you'll die. You have to learn to have different food. You have to learn a new way of eating.
It takes a momentous change in the way you think to really lose weight. Oh, sure, you can go on a diet. You can lose 6lbs in a week or get your insides rearranged so that you physically HAVE to lose weight, or so they say. Thing is, once you go off that diet you were on, and start eating "normally" again, the weight's going to come off. And even if you have had your stomach banded or half your small intestine taken out, you can still put enough candy bars through a blender to get those calories right back in there again.
The struggle with weight is a struggle with self. It's a need to understand what you really want, and to first deal with mental, emotional and psychological requirements. It's a need to provide your body with all of the nutrients so that it doesn't crave. It's a need to understand the abundance around you so that you are not always trying to feed the famine within.